Constant Vigilance?

Today’s episode should be called “Run, Kira, Run” like that 90’s German movie I never saw but still kinda want to, if not only because Vh1 talked about it on some show.

Anyway, awoke groggy, as per medication dictates, to get ready for the follow up appointment with the “new” doctor at the hospital which I took to mean I was going to continue to get nowhere, but amazingly enough, I’m mostly hypomanic and not manic now and I’ll take the improvement where I can get it even if it comes in terms of groggy ass Rispedal and overkill Xanex.

Mom and step dad brought me to the doctor, I yelled a few times about probably dumb things, day was progressing normally.  But something kinda amazing happened.  Thew “new” doctor was “new” because she left the mental hospital to work outpatient.  Translate:  I am not the craziest person she’s talked to this week.  Probably not close to the craziest person she’s talked to her whole life.  She might not be in over her head.  This might be a hidden win.  I’m holding off a cake and balloons just yet because good things rarely just happen without a lot of work, especially for me, but I think just maybe, some luck may have come upon me.  She actually said “I like the difficult cases.”  Imagine me doing a spastic happy dance inside my head sitting in her chair, cause that’s what happened.  Most doctors seem to hate the difficult ones.  Ugh, that pill still didn’t work.  Ugh, she’s complaining about side effects again.  Ugh, why can’t she just be depressed and not bipolar?  Yes, I’m sure they think these things.

We decided to give the Lamictal I’ve quit three times and can’t remember why a go again.  My best guesses are that either it didn’t work when I tried it before, or I tried it before in non-med compliant states, in which case even if it worked I wasn’t having any of it.  I can’t remember awful side effects, and usually I remember the side effects that are so terrible that if someone mentions said med I scream “NO” before they can get it out.  Lithium being my new favorite to that list.  So I guess in a month I’ll figure out why I never could stay on Lamictal.  Maybe cause it’s such a damn pain (see rest of post to come).  Upped Risperdal (ugghhh) to 4mg for time being since hypomania continues to manage to breakthrough and keeping steady on the Xanex.  Going from 75mg of Topamax to 50mg tonight then to zero after a week, since clearly it’s doing nothing but causing side effects.  To meet again in two weeks and revisit.  Full stop on Wellbutrin.  Hold off on Adderall until mood stabilizes.

Things looked good, meds were in full swing, nap was needed.  Drove home (well, was driven)…which is about 45 minutes away.  Dropped off meds.  Was told it would be an hour.  Went to eat.  Nearly fell asleep in food.  Went to get pills.  Was told Lamictal was not available  in starter kit until Monday.  This, of course, would have been better to know an hour ago, but too sedated too yell longer than about a minute over it.  Lucky them.  Went to another pharmacy.  Same thing.  Another pharmacy, same thing.  Started driving around the city.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Step dad drove while I called.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Same.  Freaking.  Thing.

This went on for about an hour.  I kid you not.  An hour.  I finally found ONE pharmacy that had it.  Back in the same city as my new doctor.  Forty-five minutes away.  My step dad had to get to work, so I got dropped off at the pharmacy to await the prescription and for my mom to finish with my son’s doctor’s appointment (yep, too mentally unstable to bring my son to the doctor – don’t I feel like mom of the year?).  Fifteen minutes or so after drop off, they call me over and say the doctor must have clicked wrong on the screen because it said the Lamical “dissolve” “Orange” starter kit, which does not exist.  She clicked “Lamictal starter kit” and wrote “Orange” and because that hospital is getting new systems no one there has learned how to work it yet and the doctors keep clicking wrong things.  This is what the pharmacist tells me, not what I’m guessing.  Apparently, it’s happened to more than just me.  Which makes me feel better about my doctor, but not better that now they are saying that the doctor has about thirty minutes to call them back to give them the okay to fill the regular orange starter kit or I’m stuck with nothing until Monday.  I really did not think this was gonna happen, but my doctor actually called right back as soon as she was finished with her client.  Wow.  I’m beyond impressed.  I’m sure this has a lot to do with her being new and having more free time than doctors with three pages of messages, but whatever, she came through for me and I’m beyond thrilled.

So my day was supposed to be doctor, nap, study.  Instead, it was doctor…rat race.  But I did get to see my son today and he did not run screaming.  Good on two counts.  Mostly, well, that my son isn’t running away from me, but also because it must mean my aura or whatever it is that people can sense feels less crazy.  So if he thinks I’m getting better, that’s more important of an opinion than any doctor.  While I was waiting for my husband to come pick me up, I got to sit and play with him for a while.  I missed his sweet smile and laugh so much.  If I could have just held him in my arms and hugged him and breathed in his smell the whole time I would have.  Alas, those days are long gone.  Two year olds are not so much on snuggle time unless they’re sick.  But we played, and he smiled and laughed, and for a minute, I forgot my problems.  It’s amazing, how no matter how bad things can be, a smile from him can make it all stop.  Sometimes, I like to think I can do the same for him.  When he wakes up from a bad dream or hurts himself, that a kiss and smile from mommy seem to make the tears stop and make his smile come back.  That our smiles can cause each other.  I wish all problems were as simple as a bad day at work or a hurt finger.  I know they aren’t for me, and I know they won’t always be for him either.  But today at least, my problems were small enough that he melted them away for the time I was with him.

I hope the new meds work quickly.  I do feel much better.  Still hypomanic, without question, but no longer manic.  Plans for now are for my son to stay with my mom for the weekend since my husband is working through the weekend and my mood shifts by the hour (meds make me sleepy…then hypomanic…then sleepy….then hypomanic…not so much moods as much as if my brain or the meds are winning).  I have my Big Test on Monday, which is at an hour in the morning that seems almost cruel given the amount of sedatives I’m taking.  But after Monday, I’m hoping to pick my little man up and bring him back home hopefully to a more stable mommy who can play with him when he comes home, not run into the room to take sedatives and/or clean obsessively.

Tomorrow’s plan:  FREAKING STUDY!

Side note:  I see people are viewing this, which I don’t know how…because I don’t really know how you go about finding blogs and such.  But if you’re reading, feel free to comment.  I’m really not as scary as I might come across.  Unless you have something spiteful to say, in which case, yeah, I’ll probably be a bitch…well, this mood cycle anyway.  Stay tuned.  Isn’t bipolar fun??

Edit for fun…Random thing accomplished when the hypomania beat the sedatives last night:  makeup totally reorganized, bathroom closet cleaned out and reorganized, shoes thrown away (only ever done when hypomanic, otherwise will hoard shoes until literally glued together and still cling to them) and remaining shoes reorganized.  Tried to study, but Topamax was making the lines wiggly last night and I couldn’t read.  Majored in English…couldn’t read.  Sad moment.  Accomplished today because it should have been done, like, 20 year ago, started log of meds taken, dosages, dates, side effects, and effects on mood so I can no longer have Lamictal like meds that I cannot remember why I refuse to take.  Writing is a mess, because lines are still wiggly and I can’t feel my fingers.  I kinda think Topamax sucks.  Okay, I’m really done now.  (I wish my brain was done when I said that on here…okay now I’m done.)

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

4 responses to “Constant Vigilance?

  • polarbrrr

    Hi there, I too am the lucky owner of a bipolar diagnosis. Trying to start my own blog- just need somewhere to let it all out. Well done for sharing, boy you can write – keep up the good work!

    • Kira

      That’s pretty much why I started, too. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts…but a journal felt too confined and a support group felt too open. I’d like to be heard, but in my own setting. It’s been really helpful (all week or so of it lol). I hope it helps you out some as well. Always good to meet other bipolars, too. Makes me feel just a little less alone. 🙂

  • pancona

    we’re living parallel lives, the only difference being I have no insurance so I am extremely under-medicated. But even when I had insurance and was going to the shrink regularly, I was never able to get the med cocktail that you seem to have. My theory is I need the elvis cocktail: something that wakes me up in the morning, keeps me stable and up throughout the day, then relaxes me in the evening before knocking me out at night. So far the only thing I’ve learned about my meds is that Abilify is ESSENTIAL and Welbutrin is NOT a replacement for Nuvigil.

    • Kira

      LOL. Elvis cocktail. That’s what I need, too. Did they have you on Nuvigil at some point? I recently suggested adding something like that in for me so I could get through a day without needing ten naps. My new doctor said my Adderall should keep me up. It doesn’t help all that much with that…but that’s what she said. Someone suggested Welbutrin instead? I’ve been on that on and off forever and at best, it’s helped me quit smoking, but mostly I think it’s a sugar pill. It doesn’t keep me up for sure. How are the Abilify side effects for you? That’s on my “only as a last resort” list because when it came out the side effect list seemed twenty pages longer than other meds and it freaked me out, so I’ve been stubborn about even trying it.

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