Perhaps I know myself less than previously thought

Today, I woke up at 5am.  I hate this about hypomania because sleep is one of my all time favorite activities.  This means I’m boring, but regardless, I lament days that I don’t get to sleep for as long as possible.  I fought this for a while and finally gave up around 8am.  Added bonus, couldn’t sleep, but very groggy.  The goal, if you recall, was to study, and study I was going to do.

I took my meds, washed my face, ate some food, paced around long enough to feel like I was “awake” enough to attempt doing something, and got my study materials together.  Basically all that’s left at this point is taking practice tests, seeing what I did wrong, and spending the remainder of the day trying to cram that bit of information that hasn’t yet lodged in, well, in.  Taking the test, I felt so groggy and doped up from meds I was having a hard time figuring out what the questions were asking and some of the subjects that were easiest to me before seemed to have been wiped from my brain completely.  Guess what my final score was.  A 9-freaking-2.  92.  Look again:  92.

I’ve been lamenting for weeks why I couldn’t get above a 90 on these things when normally I either pass a test in the 90’s or just outright fail.  No middle ground on anything with me.  So all these 80’s had been freaking me out.  I have two contrasting emotions on today’s kick ass score.  First, YAY a kick ass score!  Second, am I smarter doped up than I am hypomanic?  If yes, this questions a truth I had come to accept about myself that I don’t think I’m prepared to let go of.  Of course, I’m reading too much into this one test, but come with me on this for a minute.

In light hypomania (not mid range or high range hypomania), I always kinda thought it was better, stronger, faster me.  Now, this could be the inflated ego that comes with it, but there is some evidence against it being all this.  I get things done.  Mostly, I’m a low energy person.  Getting off the couch is a big accomplishment.  So light hypomania where my house is cleaned, dinner is made, and my son gets three bedtime stories instead of one and I don’t fall asleep before he does are real accomplishments.  I think faster, which I guess I equate to smarter.  I think I’m a fairly smart person, but sometimes all the meds and the fact that I’ve been on them so long slow down my processing time.  So I’ll get the right answer, but sometimes it takes me a bit.  Light hypomanic, I guess I thought I was getting the same right answers, just faster.  I just thought in it’s lightest version, when it didn’t cause any problems, light hypomania made me a little bit like a Super from the Incredibles or something.

Now, if I can test higher doped up than hypomanic…well, perhaps I’m actually…dare I say…dumber even in light hypomania?  A lot of the first test were taken within range of light to mid hypomania.  The last ones were heavy hypomanic, but the scores stayed pretty steady.  But today, so doped up I would have put serious money down that my score would have been closer to 20…I aced it.

I’m confused.  Really, I’m probably just over thinking.  It’s probably something simple like that I had a few days break from studying 24/7.  Who knows.  Either way, it’s kinda throwing me off.

Needless to say, my doctor and I had discussed if taking Xanex or Adderall pretest would be the better option and I’m pretty much sold on the Xanex route at this point.  Might change my mind tomorrow.  We’ll see if the results repeat.

As a follow up to a previous post, my husband and I discussed vasectomy as my mind was still a solid “yes” after a few days (though by the time we talked I was also solid “manic” so I don’t think he would have held me to it).  We switched insurances because it just keeps going up and at some point I was going to owe money instead of getting a paycheck just based on insurance, so I switched us to a higher deductible plan for major procedures.  Vasectomy would be somewhere around $2500 out of pocket on this year’s plan.  So back to a solid “no” on that, at least until insurance costs go down or income goes up enough to get back on the all expenses paid plan we used to have.  So still birth control free, and thus sex free (fear of pain + fear of baby = no sex).  This situation is starting to get very frustrating, but with all the other crazy, it’s kinda at the bottom of my problem list.

Tomorrow’s plan:  Study more and hopefully replicate awesome results from today so that I feel confident for Monday.  Go to mom’s when husband gets off work to spend some time with our son and go for dinner.  Tomorrow will hopefully be his last night away from home.  We went to the grocery today and I bought him some new toys (that he totally didn’t need after the overflow of Christmas presents that we are still trying to find room for) for when he gets here.  Finally found the right type of colors for him.  Moms will know – only some are washable, some only color on certain paper, some do special things, some are bigger than others.  He knows not to color walls, furniture, ect., but if you look away for a nanosecond, that’s the second the color hits the wall.  So the “right” colors are pretty important.

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

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