I will stay and watch awhile ’till you are counting sheep

So I totally aced my test today, which was great.  I woke up not exhausted, which could have been due to nerves, adrenaline, or that I just wasn’t exhausted, but whatever the reason, I was happy about it.  Then I went and celebrated by spending money.  I don’t know what to blame this on.  I mean, I could blame potential hypomania and call it a day, but I don’t know if it really was that.  I think I just wanted to celebrate.  I’d normally give me a pass, but if I total what I spent in actual hypomanic spending sprees over the last month or so…well, that would be a number that would make my head spin so I’m kinda guilt tripping over today’s splurge.  Which also makes me think it’s not hypomania, because I usually don’t feel bad about those until much, much later.  But I have been rapid cycling.   It’s all so confusing.  For some reason or another, I spent money.  On things I didn’t need.  Really didn’t need.

What do bipolar guys buy in hypomania/mania?  I’ve always wondered.  None of my guy bipolar friends ever actually did this, but I’ve only known two 100% for sure bipolar guys.  Between cosmetics, perfume, skin care, clothes, purses, shoes…well, I could be manic the rest of my life and still find things to buy.  But every year at Christmas I have no clue what to get my husband and that’s just trying to pick one item, not a hundred.  He rarely knows unless it’s something motorcycle related.  If he spends, he buys that.  Lots of motorcycle junk on eBay.  Like he wants to rebuy all the parts for some reason.  He probably should have built it from scratch from eBay parts.  But that’s one category of item.  He has one, I have hundreds.  This surely is giving me a disadvantage when the spending spree cycle hits.

After my mess up, I picked my son up from school!  To bring him home!!  We played catch and colored and watched some TV and such.  General kid activities.  These generally wear me out after a while, so now I’m exhausted.  I have a new test to study for now, so I was trying to do that at the same time, too, which is never an easy task.  Plus cook dinner and lunch for tomorrow.  And bathe the dog.  Household running is rough.  Most days work is much easier.  My son was well behaved aside from a Play-Dough incident, but that’s because it’s new and he was just learning the “table only” Play-Dough rules.  I think it’s spelled some odd way, not “play,” but I can’t think of how.  Blarg.

Best of all, my husband told my son “no” tonight AND meant it!  My son acted like daddy killed a puppy in front of him.  That part wasn’t so great.  My husband looked equally horrified, but stuck to the “no” anyway.  Yay for him.  The serious enough offense was using his spoon like a sword for apparently ballpark range of three minutes.  Yup, three whole minutes before he decided to intervene.  This is why I have issues.  I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing at my poor husband’s frustrated look as my son screamed at the steady “no.”  When it was over I did get in a “see why I get frustrated…when you stick to the no he doesn’t like it so much.”  I had to get a jab in.  Couldn’t be helped.

Bedtime tonight…well, is still going rough.  Husband has taken over because I put in an hour, son finally fell asleep, and just a second ago he woke back up, so now my husband is taking his turn.  My son was doing what he used to do when he was little bitty and had nightmares.  He would fall asleep for a second, but bounce awake to check to see if we were still there, to make sure he was safe.  If we were, he’d go back to sleep for a few seconds, then do it again.  He’d do this for a while until he finally stayed asleep.  Tonight, he just wouldn’t go to sleep.  He’d just lay down, then get up to see if I was there.  If I left, he’d scream. I guess from being away a week.   I feel like an awful person that my son is scared to go to sleep because he’s worried I won’t be there when he wakes up tomorrow.  If I wasn’t still coming down from mania, I’d be crying my eyes out over it, actually.  I hate that my crazy has to effect him, especially that badly.  It makes me feel like even the greatest of parenting abilities will be null and void because I’m always one bad week away from a breakdown or something.  I’m done even thinking about this now, because I’d like to get at least a week of normal before we go right on into “depressed.”

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

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