I’ve never been a very med compliant person. When I was younger, it was because I felt like the medicine changed who I was, that I liked who I was, and if you didn’t, then you could screw off. I couldn’t separate the bipolar from me. We were one and the same. To medicate the illness was to kill my sense of being. I’ve since (somewhat) realized that I can be eccentric and different without having to cycle all over the place to do it. I don’t have to be cookie cutter normal to be considered “doing okay.”
I still always come off my meds, but now my reasons are different. They’re the reasons I used back when I was younger, but now I mean them I’m not just using them to get off meds I don’t want to take. I can’t find the medium between “crazy” and “comatose.”
Last night, after I posted, I moped around kinda sad for about 15 minutes. Then I was hypomanic all night. I kept trying to talk as fast as I was thinking and I could hear the words running together. It always reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter where he asks Cho to go out and says “wannagoballwithme” or however they spell the sentence-as-a-word. That’s how all of my sentences sounded last night – giant words. My husband somehow kept up and pretended to be interested in my new skin care products, and work stuff, and thoughts on pregnancy, and probably other things I’ve now forgotten.
Midnight came and went, and I was still up. Thinking. What do I have to do for work tomorrow? What should I wear? Why can’t I sleep? How will I wake up if I don’t sleep? What’s on TV tomorrow? What’s on TV now? Shut up, brain. Go to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I think one A.M. came and went as well, along with 1mg of Xanex, 9mg of melatonin, and 1 gallon of lavendar aromatherapy. At some point I must have passed out…because I woke up.
I woke up exhausted. Because of the medicine hangover. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and I was passing out in the shower. I was distracted doing my makeup, but not in a hypomanic way, in an ADD way. The difference seems to be the speed at which the distraction and thoughts occur as best I can tell. I didn’t wanna make things worse, so I avoided the Adderall. Big mistake.
On the drive to work, I almost killed myself no less than five times. Not on purpose, but from inability to keep my eyes open. I was literally banging my head on the head rest to keep myself awake and my eyes were still closing. When they were open, they had a cataract haze to them and I was still distracted and looking at everything but the road in front of me. Worst of all, my son was in the car. If I wasn’t so busy trying not to kill us, I’d have been furious. I don’t know at who or what, but just furious at….someone, something, anyone for putting me – no for putting my son- in this spot. Not that anyone can do anything, but it’s very frustrating.
Most of my drive is highway, not city, so I can’t pull over and take Adderall. I’d have to dig through my purse on the interstate, and in the state I was in, that would have been a bad move. I generally don’t pull over on the side of interstates either, because too many cop shows have video of someone slamming into the pulled over car on the interstate, so even thinking about it freaks me out pretty bad. When I got to city, I took the Adderall. It kicked in, and I could concentrate and my eyes were not glued shut. I was still tired, but in a less deadly type of way.
But now, I’m hypomanic again. I can feel my blood pumping faster and my brain spinning and I had to not take a lunch today because it’s the only way I could trick myself into not spending money.
Is it just because Lamictal takes a year and a half to work? Is the Risperdal not enough anymore even in high doses? Could my Adderall be causing the hypomania to last forever when I need it to go away? If it is, I’m screwed. I can’t work without it. Any job requires ability to concentrate and ability to safely drive to work. I can do neither without Adderall. I could probably chase the Adderall with Xanex about thirty minutes after to offset, which I’m kinda supposed to be doing anyway. If I didn’t have a test, I would be. Sadly, my memory on Xanex is even worse than my normal non-existant memory. So I’d have to chase with .5mg, which probably won’t do anything.
I’m trying to figure out some temporary cocktail in hopes that Lamictal will swoop down in a month and fix all my problems, and that’s a long shot. I need the Adderall, today proved that much. It’s deadly for me to try not taking it. But it’s possible it’s prolonging the hypomania. What the heck do I do? I think I’m gonna try smaller Xanex doses during the day in combo with the Adderall in hopes that I’ll be able to concentrate, but also still recall what I was concentrating on the next day.
If that fails, well, I have no clue. I’m gonna throw my hands in the air and call the doctor before our appointment, I guess. I can’t be crazy, but I can’t be in a vegetative state all day either. Neither of these options are viable. I need somewhere in the broad spectrum of normal. I’ll take a little doped up or a little crazy, but I have a kid to take care of. I have a job. I have responsibilities. Car wrecks from med hangovers and hypomanic lack of sleep are not part of the equation.
Something has to work one day, right? I mean, this can’t always be. I can’t wake up 70 and still be waking up each day and having to pick “well, do I want to stare at a wall or be nuts all day. Need to decide before ten or my brain makes the call for me.”
What concerns me most is my uncle, who is also bipolar, is doing just this. He lives heavily medicated. He can hardly form a sentence. I haven’t seen him smile or laugh in years, and not because he’s depressed, but because he’s in that medication coma where you just don’t feel anything. I’ve been there and I hate it. But I’m here now, and I don’t like it much either. I’ve been depressed, and that’s just as bad in a different way. All roads lead to shit it seems.
This is why I’m always off the medication bandwagon. A lot of days, the crazy seems like the better option. I know it’s not, but at least with unmedicated bipolar I do get some normal days. Medicated, they’re all foggy. But unmedicated, the non-normal days are much worse that the sedated days. Lose on this side, lose on that side. Lose behind Door A, lose behind Door B, lose behind Door C, lose behind the freaking window. My life is filled with a lot of losing.
My motto these days seems to be slowly becoming “good thing I’m hypomanic or I’d be really depressed right now.” Can I find a crack in the wall that has a winning option please? Some medication that doesn’t dope me up, make me stupid, or require five other medicines with equally horrible side effects to combat the first medicine’s side effects? Or some magic fix all shot for when I get a mood swing like I get when I have a really bad migraine and go to the hospital for the migraine shots that work in all of two minutes. I need a bipolar shot. Someone invent this. I think they have an Abilify shot, I read somewhere. I don’t know how to get in on that, but I bet it’s not as effective as the migraine shot.
FML and F the medication merry go round.
I’m sorry. I’m really grouchy today. And I think I’m girl cycling on top of my mood issues, and that hasn’t happened since before I had my son and got my Mirena, so it’s making me even more grouchy than my mood already was. But still, just fuck everything today.
I’m not even rereading this. So if nothing is coherent, I’m sorry. But I’m pissed and I’m gonna rapidly rehash it in my head anyway, so I don’t wanna reread my pissy thoughts until I have to talk to my doctor.
Let’s play the Glad Game. I’m glad my son said “coozie” (the thing that holds soda cans – no clue how to spell that) today, because it is now my second favorite word that he says. It’s adorable. I have a video. I plan to watch it on repeat until I can’t help but smile. I’m glad his speech therapy is going so well. I’m glad he’s home. I’m glad the lotion I bought was delivered today when it wasn’t expected until tomorrow. I’m glad said lotion is in my favorite perfume scent that is like aromatherapy to me sometimes.
But in general, I’m still pissed at the world. So a lot of good that did.