Sunrise, sunset…you’re hopeful then you regret…

That’s this song, by the way. Song of my life.

Yesterday: hypomanic, depressed, hypomanic, depressed, tired.

Today, the only thing keeping me from “mania” is Risperdal and I know it. I kinda always figure if I’m not seeing stuff it’s not really mania. But my thoughts are so fast I can’t keep up. Things look so bright and clear they almost shine. Everything has an aura. I spent money. Lots and lots of money. I think I’ll spend more tomorrow. I had to buy online so no one would know. I expedited shipping, hoping it will come tomorrow so no one knows. I don’t need the guilt trip. Things will work out.

I called the doctor, but it was too late (around 4:30). Hopefully she’ll call back Monday. They said they were open, despite the holiday.

Doubled up on Xanex (2mg). Am at the point 100% convinced it is NOT a mood stabilizer and works kinda like Vicodin does for back pain and such. The pain doesn’t go away, you’re just so trashed you don’t care. My mind is lost to me, but I’m supposed to be doped up enough not to care I guess.

I want to clean the spare room. I want to organize medical records. I want to clean. The Xanex has be to physically tired to be stupid and clean base boards until 3am. My husband has to work Saturday, Sunday, Monday. I do not. I’m so fucked.

I thought this stuff was supposed to help. I’m exactly where I was two weeks ago, minus psychotic hallucinations. Bigger dollar amounts. More projects. Faster thoughts.

Today really sucked because I ran out of low dose Adderall and had to take 20mg instead of 15mg which I knew, just knew was gonna screw me, although I didn’t think it would be this bad. But what do I do? Die on the car ride to work? Kill my son in a car wreck from med hangover? Not an option. At least manic I can drive, although perhaps a teensy bit over the speed limit. I didn’t notice until husband said I was pulling in the driveway like a crazy person. Nothing that would injure anyone though, so still the lesser of two evils. If I have to pick between my health and my son’s safety, I pick him. It’s not right that someone should have to choose. So I take the Adderall. So I can drive. So I can not fall asleep at work, lose my job, and put us on the street.

I have no friends, in case you haven’t noticed. That’s why I was all depressed. Well, that’s what I’m attributing it to because I hate not having a reason. It just cements the illness. Who gets depressed for no reason? Crazy me. So I find a reason once I’m already depressed. Makes me more depressed. Cycle. Cycle. Cycle.

My life is one big cycle. Even in my mostly hypomanic/manic state these last months, it cycles. I’ve been tracking it like crazy so the doctor will do something more drastic. I use 5 for anything that I think is in the range of what a normal person would feel, so “sad” or “happy” could be a 5, if they’re a normal reaction at a normal level. There’s not enough on the 1-10 scale for this to work for me, but I’m trying. Six is light hypomanic/mid-light hypomanic. Seven mid-range hypomanic. Eight full blow hypomanic. Nine manic. Ten worse ever manic. I’ve only gotten down to a four which I’m saying is “mild depression for no apparent reason except the one I made up.”

It takes these numbers and makes a graph. I did it all week. The graph of JUST my hypomania is a roller coaster. In one day it goes 5, 6, 6, 7, 6, 5, 8, 5, 7. You get the idea. It’s all over. With no affect from meds it seems. Adderall seems to make it worse, but I can’t survive without, literally. Xanex has one day made it worse, and the next day right about when it should have kicked in was when I got depressed. I took 2mg about an hour ago and my chest hurts from my heart beating so fast from trying to keep pace with my head. This is why I’m physically sick all the time.

All day, ideas. Great idea at noon. By one, how dumb. At two, no it was brilliant. I feel like I’m 13 again and cycling by the hour. At least I’m not suicidal at noon and manic by two. At least it’s mostly on one side.

But three months of hypomania that keeps pushing through to mania…I can’t do this shit anymore. I think my brain my literally hemmorage from the sheer amount and speed of thoughts.

And once this all stops, I’ll pay the price. The budget that’s so screwed up. The bills for meds and ER trips. The damage to my job. Hopefully no damage to my son…….he seems to be okay with me leaving the room. I’m holed up now because I just can’t deal. WTF do I do tomorrow?

I need something that can work in conjunction with my Adderall. Where the Adderall still is effective at a) helping me focus and b) keeping me from passing out mid-commute. Does this exist?

Things are so shiny. My world is retina display. I think I was better on the drugs the doctors didn’t prescribe, but that’s a dumb thought I’m sure.

I need to go to the hospital, but I can’t. My husband has work. My mom has plans. My job will fire me if I’m “mentally incompetent.” So I’ll keep taking these damn sugar pills and maybe tomorrow they’ll work. I’ll try no Adderall, but when I pass out then what? My two year old takes care of himself while mommy naps? This stuff doesn’t work for moms. Sorry. Find me a better solution.

I need to mediate again, but now is not the time to start. I can’t even try to slow my thoughts right now.

Last night I got a migraine. By the way, my Relax oil cured it. Wish I’d known that 10 years ago. Maybe just luck.

I wish I’d called my doctor sooner.

I hope I don’t lose it again…well, more than I am right now.

I need to stop doing stupid things.

I’ll pay for this if the meds don’t work soon in regret, in sadness, in hopelessness.

I can’t type fast enough to get my thoughts on here. I debated even coming on because I know this is so fragmented and incoherent.

I found a bipolar support group. Maybe I should suck it up and go. I can’t keep going like this. Too many people depend on me.

Why won’t anyone give me Abilify or Seroquel or something to knock this shit out and then I can stop it when Lamictal kicks in? I can’t do this another month.

Glad game: I know what is and is not reality. My husband has not left me. My son is not running from me.

I forgot to eat. How does that happen to me?

I want to scream. Maybe if I’m loud enough everything will seem quiet in comparison.

I wish I had someone to talk to other than my mom and husband. Someone not under some type of obligation to deal with me. They’re worn out. I’m worn out.

I want an Abilify shot if it exists. I want to sleep through the hypomania and mania this weekend is bringing and then recover enough to get to work on Tuesday.

My son will hate me one day. I’m a constant variable. Especially rapid cycle. I’m pissed. I’m sad. I’m energetic. I’m exhausted.

I’m taking sugar pills that make me sleepy, pills to keep me from dying that make me worse, to take more pills that make me sleepy. There has to be something else.

I’m drained. My mind has circled so much just the ideas have worn me out (thanks Xanex, now I can feel bad about not even trying). I love my Xanex – for panic attacks and sleep. For bipolar, it’s useless. Like a pain pill for a serious injury. Masking something horrible so maybe you won’t notice as you lose your mind.

The shiny auras need to stop. It’s making my head hurt.

You know, I’m a decent person. I deserve better than all the shit I get, all the losing hands I’m dealt. I get a few wins (my husband, my mom, my SON!). But I treat mom and husband like crap because I don’t know how to control myself around the people I let into my crazy mind.

Alright, whatever, I’m done with this. I’m done with this post.

I don’t know wtf to do about this weekend. Hopefully not screw us over more financially.

I was supposed to be getting better, and all I am is the same minus floating black Jigglypuffs (scarier than it sounds). With extra paranoia.

Just….fuck. I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t get help from anyone. I hope I wake up better tomorrow. I think I have some non ER Dexidrine from a while back I can sub for Adderall.

Really, what’s the difference between experimenting with these drugs and the other kind? I think the ones I’m on now have worse side effects and fewer results.

I’m exhausted and major hypomanic. How does that happen?

Just….UGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Suggestions welcome. Really. Please.

Note: I have BC now. Add that to the glad game.

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

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