Just when I thought today was going well…

For most of the day, I felt normal. This morning I was exhausted and needed a nap. I took one of my old Dexedrine pills in the smallest dose I had around 10am. My son and I played and everything was wonderful. Around 11am I was less tired. I felt happy. It was nice. Not overly happy, just normal happy.

At two, he went down for his nap. I got him to nap without battle! He went to sleep in ten minutes. I waited a bit longer than usual and pulled some new tricks my mom suggested (give him his milk in his room, don’t let him drink in my lap any other time during the day, rock him to sleep and then slowly transition – asleep in lap, move to standing, move to bed, rub back for two minutes, place hand for two minutes, lay near bed one minute, and go. [yes, I had my timer]) I was excited!! Too excited??

Did my excitement trigger hypomania or is it again just doing whatever it was going to do anyway? I never know the answers. I know I was excited, and then ten minutes later I was suddenly doing my nails instead of napping. Didn’t like the color, looked online to buy different color as if that would somehow fix my current issue of not liking the color, tried to nap, failed, redid nails a different color, looked online for more polish.

I want to go somewhere. I don’t care where (mostly). Out to dinner, out to a club, to the mall, just somewhere. I asked my husband if we could do something. He asked what. I said “suggest something.” The text reply said “fishing.” I’m a vegetarian but okay. Not really helpful. I just explained my day to him in two minutes and he says “is that why you wanna go somewhere?” (as in is the hypomania why you want to do something). I said “yup!!” and he said “I was gonna text ‘you’re just being crazy.'” He just wasn’t 100% sure. Nice. Like a completed to do list, a sudden request to go out can spell trouble.

Really, I’d like to hit up the mall because now I need a new nailpolish color and I only really like to use OPI and I know they have it at the mall.  But they also have lots of other shiny things I want, and my husband probably would not let me get them, and I’d go all nuts in the mall because I have less ability than my son to hear “no” right now.

I’m sad.  I really thought I was going to make it through a whole day with no crazy.  A nice, normal day.

I swear the neighbors are calling my name, though probably just because someone else has the same name as me.  My husband is testing how sane I am because when I said “are they calling my name?” and explained they could be calling me or someone with my name he asked “well are they calling you?”  As in do I think other people are talking to me when there’s no logical reason to think so?  Nope, not there yet.

Oh, side note.  I had a migraine last night for which I took Vicoden, thinking it would mess with me less than my stronger pills, and thought I was a stick bug.  It was like Kafka’s Metamorphosis in my head.  I could clearly see I was still me with my eyes open, but if I closed them I saw a stick bug and felt extra phantom legs and stuff.  Fun times.  Glad I passed out quickly and didn’t have to deal with that too long, as am terrified of stick bugs.  Would not have ended well.  Think for any migraines going forward I’ll stick to aromatherapy and Butal (which works like a stronger Advil or something, ie: doesn’t do much).  Hallucinate or migraine?  Which is worse?  I do so love when dual issues of mine don’t get along in terms of medication or other things.  I’ve taken just about every headache medicine and pain pill out there for my migraines, and never had a reaction like that before.  Maybe it’s not the medicine.  Who knows?

Just told my husband that story.  He sighed and walked away and mumbled.  I said “see why I don’t take acid?  No need!”  When I was in elementary school kids used to ask me where I got mine from all the time.  I should have went with it because “druggie” would have gotten me more friends than “crazy girl talking to herself.”  Instead I looked confused as to why they would think I had any.  At a young age, you only know your own normal.  I thought all the hallucinations were normal and that everyone had them.  Not the case.  Now I know, and only close friends and family and the internet at large get to hear the crazy stuff I think and see.

I’ve never taken acid and never will because I’m not a fan of hallucinations.  At best, they’re annoying.  At the worst end, they’ll make me lose my grip on reality completely.  Why people would want to see stuff confuses me.  I always ask people.  They say it seems “cool.”  Maybe if it’s a choice.  Sometimes I can control what I see to a degree, when they’re more “annoying” than “sanity losing” and then it can entertain me for a while.  You’ll still never hear me say “I wish I could see stuff right now!” even if I’m so bored I’ve paced a hole in the ground or something.

I don’t think a lot of people who have ever seen things without the help of acid and such take it.  I think it’s people like the ones in elementary school who would tell me “I want to take acid one day to see what it’s like to be you.”  I think it was a taunt, but I bet they took acid in their college years.  “Experience crazy for a day” or something.  Like it’s a fair ride.  No, the pills I’m give are the “experience normal” types.  I don’t know how I ended up on this topic…

I guess I’ll go harass my husband into maybe bringing us all somewhere.  I’d take a Xanex to calm down, but a week of doing that tells me it’s useless.  So I might as well just go do something instead of giving my pills the side eye for the rest of the night and yelling about how they don’t work.

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

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