Today my plan was for someone to come fix my washing machine, hope to hear back from my doctor, and maybe shop with my mom. Things did not go according to this plan.
I woke up exhausted, but it only lasted about thirty minutes and I’ve been hypomanic/manic ever since. The washer people called and said they would be out between 12-2. Two minutes later my doctor calls and says she can get me in at 12 to change meds. I call my mom, who comes over with my step-dad and they watch my son and tend the the washer issues so I can go to the doctor.
I think I sped the whole way there at least 20 miles over the speed limit. My son wasn’t in the car to give me sensibility. So I drove as fast because I felt fast. I turned the music up. I was 21 again. It was kinda nice.
My doctor made a few changes. Adderall now at 10mg XR instead of 20mg (was taking some of my old 15mg until I ran out). Taking 2mg Risperdal tonight (down from 4) then off completely. Starting 80mg Geodon (no generic and expensive) tonight and possibly up to 120mg next week. Staying put on Lamictal and Xanex for now so as not to change too many things around. She says the Geodon should work faster than an Abilify or Zyprexa but with fewer side effects, so I guess I’m on board with this. Fast is what I need and side effects are what I don’t. She also said my old pediatric doctor said hi and did of course remember both me and my batshit crazy dad. She had to go ask him about my records because they didn’t exist. After my dad got my stuff, apparently he took it all out of the computer and kept everything handwritten and secret. I kinda want to hug him. No, I really want to hug him. That’s above and beyond and I’m beyond appreciative, even though my dad would have no way to get them anymore.
I stopped at the mall on the way home (stupid, I know). I spent money. Surprise, surprise. Felt like I was in there for hours and it was more like 15 minutes. I sure can spend money fast. $250 later in nail polish and hair products and I’m keyed up and about to lose it for some reason. My heart is racing and my thoughts are so fast I can’t even keep up. I speed even faster home.
On the way, my car breaks. My brand new (2009) car. For the fourth time since I bought it NEW. The RPMs are revving and the car is going nowhere. Fumes are coming out. I’m furious. I get home and throw things and yell and generally throw a fit. I decide, screw this car. I’m getting another one.
I tell my mom and step-dad to take me to the dealership because I want to yell at them and then look at new cars on the lot across the way. They show me a pretty silver car that’s a 2006 and is the type I want. Silver is my favorite color. Body looks good. Show me where to sign. I wasn’t even going to test drive it. I was just going to buy it. My logic literally went “this car is unreliable, I’m sick of it, I’ll buy this older car because it’s a brand I trust in a shiny color and things will work out.” This is something I’d expect my husband to do, not me. I’m not impulsive. I don’t make big decisions quickly. Yet there I stood, ready to pull out my pen so long as they’d give me a good trade in value and I could be done with my stupid car. Even the salesman was talking me out of it. Generally sales people who are trying to sell you on not buying are giving good advice as a rule of thumb. I’m glad he and my family were there, because if they weren’t I’d have a new car.
Now, is getting a new car a bad idea? No. I’ll still probably do it. I need something that won’t get me killed on the interstate. Is making the decision in a fit of manic rage smart? Nope. But I was gonna do it. No doubt in my mind that if others weren’t logical around me, I’d have done something really, really stupid today. My husband said “why trade your 2009 for a 2006?” Well, because they have the same value and the 2006 is a better brand. But when he said that, my brain said “ok, just go in debt and get a 2011 then.” That’s where my brain was. Willing to go 10K in debt because I was annoyed with my car.
These meds better work as fast as promised, because my impulse control is dying more and more each day that I’m not better. I’m losing the rational, logical part of my brain I cling to so much that keeps me from complete insanity.
Here’s hoping I don’t have a new car tomorrow. I would like the car, but I’d like to make the decision in a normal state.
Side note: I’m sure this medicine will, in fact, work. There’s no generic and I paid $65 for a 15 day supply. So $130 for a month is what this med will run me if it’s permanent. With my luck, this will be the best medication ever and my pay will all be going to med costs. That’s almost $200 a month just to see my doctor one time a month and get that one pill. Not including Lamictal, Adderall, Xanex, and any other med that gets thrown in down the line. No wonder health insurance companies hate bipolar people. We’re costly. That’s more than I budgeted in my HSA for the year, so we’ll end up with crazy medical costs in Oct/Nov/Dec 2011 I’m sure. Hopefully the price is high because I haven’t hit a deductible yet. I know that happened with my Wellbutrin last year. January it was randomly $60 and then back down to $10. Also my bottle for Geodon says “take 2 capsules by mouth every evening for manic bipolar disorder.” Now even my pill bottles remind me I’m nuts. How depressing. I need no reminder, pill bottle.