Med changes and almost buying a car…it’s been a busy day

Today my plan was for someone to come fix my washing machine, hope to hear back from my doctor, and maybe shop with my mom.  Things did not go according to this plan.

I woke up exhausted, but it only lasted about thirty minutes and I’ve been hypomanic/manic ever since.  The washer people called and said they would be out between 12-2.  Two minutes later my doctor calls and says she can get me in at 12 to change meds.  I call my mom, who comes over with my step-dad and they watch my son and tend the the washer issues so I can go to the doctor.

I think I sped the whole way there at least 20 miles over the speed limit.  My son wasn’t in the car to give me sensibility.  So I drove as fast because I felt fast.  I turned the music up.  I was 21 again.  It was kinda nice.

My doctor made a few changes.  Adderall now at 10mg XR instead of 20mg (was taking some of my old 15mg until I ran out).  Taking 2mg Risperdal tonight (down from 4) then off completely.  Starting 80mg Geodon (no generic and expensive) tonight and possibly up to 120mg next week.  Staying put on Lamictal and Xanex for now so as not to change too many things around.  She says the Geodon should work faster than an Abilify or Zyprexa but with fewer side effects, so I guess I’m on board with this.  Fast is what I need and side effects are what I don’t.  She also said my old pediatric doctor said hi and did of course remember both me and my batshit crazy dad.  She had to go ask him about my records because they didn’t exist.  After my dad got my stuff, apparently he took it all out of the computer and kept everything handwritten and secret.  I kinda want to hug him.  No, I really want to hug him.  That’s above and beyond and I’m beyond appreciative, even though my dad would have no way to get them anymore.

I stopped at the mall on the way home (stupid, I know).  I spent money.  Surprise, surprise.  Felt like I was in there for hours and it was more like 15 minutes.  I sure can spend money fast.  $250 later in nail polish and hair products and I’m keyed up and about to lose it for some reason.  My heart is racing and my thoughts are so fast I can’t even keep up.  I speed even faster home.

On the way, my car breaks.  My brand new (2009) car.  For the fourth time since I bought it NEW.  The RPMs are revving and the car is going nowhere.  Fumes are coming out.  I’m furious.  I get home and throw things and yell and generally throw a fit.  I decide, screw this car.  I’m getting another one.

I tell my mom and step-dad to take me to the dealership because I want to yell at them and then look at new cars on the lot across the way.  They show me a pretty silver car that’s a 2006 and is the type I want.  Silver is my favorite color.  Body looks good.  Show me where to sign.  I wasn’t even going to test drive it.  I was just going to buy it.  My logic literally went “this car is unreliable, I’m sick of it, I’ll buy this older car because it’s a brand I trust in a shiny color and things will work out.”  This is something I’d expect my husband to do, not me.  I’m not impulsive.  I don’t make big decisions quickly.  Yet there I stood, ready to pull out my pen so long as they’d give me a good trade in value and I could be done with my stupid car.  Even the salesman was talking me out of it.  Generally sales people who are trying to sell you on not buying are giving good advice as a rule of thumb.  I’m glad he and my family were there, because if they weren’t I’d have a new car.

Now, is getting a new car a bad idea?  No.  I’ll still probably do it.  I need something that won’t get me killed on the interstate.  Is making the decision in a fit of manic rage smart?  Nope.  But I was gonna do it.  No doubt in my mind that if others weren’t logical around me, I’d have done something really, really stupid today.  My husband said “why trade your 2009 for a 2006?”  Well, because they have the same value and the 2006 is a better brand.  But when he said that, my brain said “ok, just go in debt and get a 2011 then.”  That’s where my brain was.  Willing to go 10K in debt because I was annoyed with my car.

These meds better work as fast as promised, because my impulse control is dying more and more each day that I’m not better.  I’m losing the rational, logical part of my brain I cling to so much that keeps me from complete insanity.

Here’s hoping I don’t have a new car tomorrow.  I would like the car, but I’d like to make the decision in a normal state.

Side note:  I’m sure this medicine will, in fact, work.  There’s no generic and I paid $65 for a 15 day supply.  So $130 for a month is what this med will run me if it’s permanent.  With my luck, this will be the best medication ever and my pay will all be going to med costs.  That’s almost $200 a month just to see my doctor one time a month and get that one pill.  Not including Lamictal, Adderall, Xanex, and any other med that gets thrown in down the line.  No wonder health insurance companies hate bipolar people.  We’re costly.  That’s more than I budgeted in my HSA for the year, so we’ll end up with crazy medical costs in Oct/Nov/Dec 2011 I’m sure.  Hopefully the price is high because I haven’t hit a deductible yet.  I know that happened with my Wellbutrin last year.  January it was randomly $60 and then back down to $10.  Also my bottle for Geodon says “take 2 capsules by mouth every evening for manic bipolar disorder.”  Now even my pill bottles remind me I’m nuts.  How depressing.  I need no reminder, pill bottle.

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

2 responses to “Med changes and almost buying a car…it’s been a busy day

  • mommylebron

    Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me a comment. I can’t tell you how much I value input from someone who really knows what my little girl is going through. I don’t think it’s fair (or possibly even legal) for your boss to make you not talk about your illness. It is attitudes like that, that helps perpetuate the stigma that people with mental illness have to live with. It also indicates you have something to be ashamed of and you do not. I realize you feel like you have a lot of issues but also you acknowledge them. I wish you luck and I look forward to talking to you more.

    • Kira

      It’s no problem! Early onset is pretty rare and I hardly see any adults who were once early onset kids talking about it. I’m happy to provide any insight I can now that I can better articulate what I was feeling when I was younger especially if it can help another kid who has to go through it.

      It’s not legal, but companies often do illegal things in terms of mental illness. The issue is, yeah, I can sue…but then I’d be working at a place where everyone would basically just be trying to drive to me quit. I love my job and don’t like to rock the boat unless absolutely necessary. For sick days, I put up a fight and got HR involved, but I’ve seen how it effects the way people treat me. They can’t legally fire me for such things but they can force me to a lower position or not offer me promotions if any of my “accommodations” are such that I can no longer perform the “job functions.” It took me forever to get a promotion and I’m sure all my issues were a big reason why. Companies can find ways to do unethical things and play the system pretty well. I’ve had it happen at every job I’ve ever had, so now I just know how to play back and which battles to fight.

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