Stress, lemon cars, and general freak out

I’ve been lazy about posting.  Partly because I’m not super manic motivated and partly because I have a lot of stuff going on and I’m stressed and pissed and all posts will be rants.

Went to the doctor on Monday.  Changed the Geodon to 120mg.  Just when I stopped twitching on 80mg.  I had to bring my son who, of course, decided to be the Biggest Brat Ever in front of my doctor.  He actually punched me in the face.  So here I am trying to control him, he sees there’s nothing for me to take or place to do time out, and all hell breaks lose.  Best moment?  As he’s saying “fight!” and punching me, my doctor goes “how are you feeling right now?”  HA-HA-HA.  How do you think?  I went with “annoyed” although “fucking annoyed/pissed and about to scream and/or break shit” would have been more accurate but wasn’t toddler friendly language.

Then my car.  Oh, my POS lemon car.  They sold the used car I kinda wanted, so now I’m looking at the 2011 model.  My brain says “buy it” but I don’t trust my brain.  Other people (husband/mother) say “probably buy it.”  I’m not stable enough for a maybe.  Tell me yes, we’ll sign papers.  Tell me no, I’ll file a lemon lawsuit.  Maybe does not compute.

The lawyer says he thinks he can get me a “keep the car and here’s some cash to shut you up” settlement.  This would take 30-45 days.  That’s too long for manic me and plus it will take a lot of my time which is better spent making money at work and such.  After he takes his cut, I might end up with not enough to have wasted my time, plus a judgment on the car probably effects the resale value, but maybe not.  He says no, but he was being sales-y about it so I don’t believe him.

I want the car.  Really bad.  Too bad, actually.  The rational side of my head keeps yelling at me about debt and payments and normal me HATES both payments and debt.  Especially on depreciating assets.  I hate big purchases if not made in cash.  Scratch that.  I hate big purchases even if in cash because then my balances look sad.

So I keep arguing with myself in my head all day and I’m stressing myself out bad and it’s making my mood swing cycle right back up again.  Part of my brain (manic?  rational?  who the hell knows??) says just buy it and be done with the stupid lemon POS.  Part of my brain says debt is evil and big payments suck.  I don’t trust either one of these parts of my brain any longer.  My husband isn’t much help because he’d probably give me an okay on Ferrari so long as he could have one too.

This whole situation would be so much easier if I could trust what my brain tells me.  Stupid broken brain.  I just wanna scream.  So yeah, that’s how I’m doing.  Crappy, but a different type of crappy than before.

Oh, and I bought more shit today after quite a few days of not buying dumb shit.  So it seems the progress I was making is going to hell because I’m so stressed.

It’s all that stupid car’s fault.

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About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

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