Monthly Archives: February 2011

I promise to be less awful

Being alone (or at least without my husband and son) this week has me bored.  Bored me thinks too much.  So this morning I decided to work on something that’s been on my “things I’d like to do” list for a few years.

I’m a huge fan of Franklin Covey things.  I read 7 Habits back in high school and have used Franklin Covey planners since then up until I got my iPad which has now replaced my paper planners.  I make my fancy lists and prioritize them and try to get important things accomplished.  I do this because generally my energy level doesn’t last long so I have to get as much accomplished as I can before my brain calls it a day.  My ADD works against me too because without a list I lose focus and spend the day getting nothing accomplished other than being distracted.

I have a tendency to over plan because it gives me a sense of control.  My husband says I’m a control freak, but if I can’t control my head I’m gonna be able to control something.  It’s a habit I need to break.

Anyway, the Franklin Covey system is based around “mission statements.”  It’s one of the things in the system I never got around to doing because it required too much reflection.  Plus it makes me think about “here’s the person I want to be” and I don’t always have the ability to control that so I tend to just not think about it.  Just be has been my motto…like the Calvin Klein ads of the 90’s or something.

When I was playing online this morning I found the Franklin Covey website had a “mission statement” builder tool.  I decided what the hell and did it.  It’s really a work in progress.  It asks you questions and builds a long thing about what you want to accomplish and how you want to live and such.  My goal is to take all that and turn it into a few phrases (for work and home) that I can go back to when I’m acting like a bitch or having a bad day.  Something that can be a mantra to live by.

Maybe it will help.  Maybe it will just piss me off to think about it on a bad day.  Regardless, I figured I’d post what I came up with (edited a bit because I didn’t know how it was going to spit things out so I was writing full sentences).  And yes I’m calling it Kira LLC.  Because companies have mission statements, not people.

Kira’s Rough Draft Mission Statement

AKA Kira LLC

I am at my best when I am at my best when I am internally motivated and happy to be where I am.

I am at my best when I don’t let external factors dictate my emotions.

I will try to prevent times when I am at my worst when I am stressed and annoyed by things I cannot control.

I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can help people when I’m at work and be successful simply by doing the right things by my clients.  (I do have this already)

I will find enjoyment in my personal life through spending more time with my son and husband. I will enjoy the moments when they make me laugh or smile as they come and not be thinking about what else I need to do.  I will be in the moment just as my husband and son are and not worry so much about other things.  I will learn to truly enjoy them and not focus on the bad days.

I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my ability to listen and understand others as well as to learn new things quickly.

I can do anything I set my mind to. I will continue to work hard and my job and prove that I am the best at it.

My life’s journey is about helping others and being a great mother and wife.

My journey is learning from my mistakes and being the best I can be every day.

I will be a person who has my family around me. I’d like them to say that I was the best mom and wife that I could have been considering my limited abilities some days. I’d like them to say that they are proud of what I’ve accomplished at work and in my personal life. I’d like them to say that no matter what mood I was in they knew they were loved.

My most important future contribution to others will be love, understanding, and caring. My success at work contributes the ability to create a good life for the people that are important to me.
I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • My grumpiness with my family (husband, son, and mother)
  • Telling and showing those I love that I appreciate them especially when my actions say otherwise.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • patience
  • letting things go
  • not letting external factors influence productivity

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Get the right amount of sleep and spending more time outside.
  • Being more zen and in the moment.
  • Working harder to overcome the mental challenges I face.
  • Being a less tiring friend.
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New town, lots of stress

Well being in a new town has my stress level up high.  Got lost for a while which was fun.  Lots of one way streets which is always a plus when you’re lost.  Training is going well though on 10mg of Adderall I find my concentration and alertness wanes throughout the day.  Eight hours of training is a little hard on low doses of ADD meds.

I did end up meeting up with my uncle (also bipolar).  It was a good but depressing experience.  He said some things that I feel like I could have said myself which is refreshing since I usually can’t relate to most of my family who have at worst anxiety or minor depression.  We talked about meds and how much the side effects suck.  We seem to have similar reactions to meds which I find interesting.

The depressing part was watching his wife get upset with him when he would pass out from his medication or forget what happened five seconds ago.  I know when those things happen to me I generally feel awful and like I’m a burden.  Someone fussing at me on top of that would be intolerable.  I feel very lucky to have my husband who knows when to be patient with me even if sometimes he gets under my skin.


Sextacy, drugs, and rock and roll…aka TMI

This post will probably be TMI.  Just a forewarning.

Last night my husband bought an herbal supplement called Sextacy.  I guess because it’s supposed to be “legal ecstasy.”  Well I’ll be the judge of that.

Why do I need such a pill?  Because a fun side effect of assloads of medication is a nonexistent sex drive.  Not low but literally not there.  This is a huge blow to my husband who years ago married a borderline nymphomaniac.   Off my medication I’m always horny plus he got with me back when I was on all the shit that makes you hornier.  Sex was an all night event.  Twelve, fourteen hours at a time.  I guess I used it all up before the age of 25.

In the last two years I’ve gone from thinking about sex every second to only thinking about it negatively.  Mad that it exists because I have no desire and I’m waiting for him to divorce me over it.  When it started to hurt because of the Mirena my brain shut the last of it down where I couldn’t even lubricate.  I was using Lidocaine gel daily because I was so dry 24/7 it hurt.  Yeah, like I said, TMI.

Since I’m leaving town for a week tomorrow and it is my least favorite holiday this week, sex was on the agenda.  I talked myself up all week but at the end of the day I felt a sense of dread.  How depressing.  Sex used to be the thought that got me through the day.  Now I’d rather sleep or play online.

My husband mentioned this herbal stuff, of which I am of course skeptical, especially given my past love of the name origin.  Nevertheless, I took it because I couldn’t deal with how much I didn’t want to have sex anymore and was desperate.

It really actually kinda helped.  Maybe my brain placebo effecting me again, but who cares?  The weird thing was it relaxed me enough to want sex but didn’t help at all in my body’s ability to actually do so.  I felt kinda tingly and got the feeling as if I was lubricated but was not.  Again, TMI.  Sorry.  I have those KY Liquibeads so I added one of those to the mix and everything kinda clicked.

It was nice not to dread something I used to love so much.  Stupid pills are $20 a dose (double the price of it’s namesake that works a hell of a lot better when not mixed with bunk ingredients) though.  For once a week that’s $80 a month just to do something I should be able to do anyway.

When’s prescription women’s Viagra going to come out so I can get a similar effect cheaper??  It’s not fair to make twenty plus pills that kill a sex drive and not one FDA approved pill to bring it back.  That’s the stuff that ruins marriages right there.  Yeah, he can deal with my mood swings.  Can he deal with celibacy?  Probably not.

Compared to the real deal, Sextacy is the Tylenol version of Morphine, but if it even numbs the headache it’s worth taking right?  So that’s kinda how I feel about it.  It won’t allow marathon sex of yesteryear but it will allow sex and that’s better than I was doing.

It’s a constant source of depression for me that I’m so opposed to sex these days.  I feel like I’m waiting for my husband to cheat or leave me over it.  I know if I was still super horny me and he didn’t want anything to do with me I’d be either sad or pissed and wouldn’t deal with it as long as he has.  He’s a good guy for dealing with all my shit.

In other news, when I get back from my business trip I’ll be officially doing my new job and I’m freaking out a little bit.  Until next week I feel like I’ve been playing house at work.  Sure, I’ve said for years I could and can do this job but now that I’m a week away from being expected to do it I’m worried I can’t.  It’s just me being crazy me, but it’s scary anyway.  What do I do if I can’t do the job?  I have no backup plan because I’ve spent years arrogantly thinking I would be a superstar.

My husband says I leave a window open for failure, which isn’t exactly accurate.  I worry about failure, but I don’t really allow it in my head as a possibility.  I can’t and won’t fail.  I won’t let myself even if it means working 80 hours a week again.  I’ll work myself to the ground before I admit defeat.  It’s just how I am.  But silently I do worry “what if.”

Everyone at my new office loves me already (little do they know!).  My boss seems to think I’ll be great.  My old coworkers think I’ll be great.  Inside I feel like a six year old playing dress up in a suit every day.  It doesn’t mesh well with my normal more “alt” look.  Glitter, fishnets, tattoos, and piercings don’t scream “corporate America.”  Because I feel I don’t look the part I worry that maybe I’m not.  It’s dumb but I always think someone is going to look at me and somehow see who I am when I leave work and say “I’m not working with this girl” and my client base will run for the hills.  It hasn’t happened since I entered the corporate world years ago, but you never know.  So now I’m un-gauging my ears because maybe diamond earrings will make me feel more professional and thus more capable.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’m awesome at what I do.  There’s just a little part of my brain that wants to disagree with me all the time and the stress of upcoming work change is making it talk louder.


Geodon=legal coke??

I’m now convinced Geodon is the prescription version of cocaine.  I’ve never actually done that aside from traces in my otherwise lovely pills from yesteryear, but when they had them in it I felt exactly like I did on Geodon.  The withdrawal has been similar as well.  I still can’t sleep (taking Ambien, Xanex, and Melatonin).  I’m now sick (drugs that function like that seem to lower your immune system).  I’d hate to see what happened if I took this pill for a year and came off of it.  I think more testing was needed before big pharma released this one.  For all that, someone just write me a script for MDMA and let’s call it a day.  Less side effects, happier me.

I don’t know what to make of Abilify.  It’s not making me sleepy (plus), my head is still mostly quiet (plus) but I seem to be spending money again (not so much a plus).  I also feel like I’ve gotten very boring and I can’t think of things to talk about which isn’t so great for my job.  Watching my weight closely because if I gain more than 5 pounds this pill can go to hell and we’ll try again.

Finally up to 100mg of Lamictal.  Only seemed to take a year to do.  Debating going to the doctor tomorrow to up it to 200mg and maybe up the Abilify to kill off the last of the crazy.

Side note, I hate news.  I have to keep up with these things because of my job, but before that I had stopped paying attention because news literally stresses me out so bad my heart races.  Nation deficit?  War?  Murder?  Economic recession?  Panic.  These are things therapists say are out of my realm of control and thus I should not freak out over them.  Nothing I can do, move along.  All well and good in theory, but all that bad stuff makes me start to think the world might really end in 2012 or something because everything seems so awful.

Because I couldn’t learn to stop worrying, I just stopped paying attention.  Ignorance is bliss after all.  Alas, now I must keep up to date.  More than ever, I’m starting to buy the BS doomsday folk spout off.  If the world does end, I’m blaming the media.  Perhaps if they didn’t make everyone feel like the world was ending every day, things would be better.  I know my clients and I would sleep better at night.  No clue if that idea has any merit, but it’s my opinion and I get to have it.

I also used to be big into politics and now I refuse to vote for just about anything.  Generally I disagree with everyone and I can’t bring myself to vote for someone who has stupid ideas.  I’m too small government for either party.  Democrats spend too much on stupid things and Republicans spend less and say “small government” but then turn around and want to say who you can marry and if you have to have babies.  That’s still big government in my eyes.  So none of you asses get my vote.  I’d go vote Libertarian, but why wait in line for an hour to vote for someone with no shot of winning?  If there was a shot, I’d wait however long I needed to.  But there’s not and I’m lazy.  Plus I don’t think I should be forced to pick between two shit choices.  Given crap choice A and crap choice B, I choose not to pick.

My mom says this means I don’t get to bitch about politics anymore.  Mostly I don’t (again – stresses me out), but if someone does something stupid, I get to complain regardless of if I voted or not.  So there.

Ending the rant.  News overkill does that to me.  I need to go back to CNN Money instead of constant news stream on my radio all day.


Bitch bitch bitch

I have spent the last two days annoyed with just about everything.  I cannot figure out why.  The fact that I don’t know why is annoying me more.  Work was good on Saturday.  I got things accomplished, new coworkers were happy to have me, and office got organized enough for me to function.  Spent Saturday and Sunday with my family.  My son has been kinda bratty lately, but other than that things have been really good…or at least okay.

So why am I so grumpy?  Every time someone talks to me I bite their head off.  Even if it’s something nice.  I try to bite my tongue but instead out comes a big load of grump.  My husband has been super nice to me lately and all I can do is yell at him and apologize all day.  Fussed at my son.  Fussed at my mom.  I feel like the last two days have been circles of scream, say sorry, scream, say sorry.  I feel like such an ass.

Could it be Geodon withdrawal?  I’m not sleeping worth anything even with the addition of Ambien so I know I’m having some issues coming off the med.  Could it be a side effect of Abilify?  Could I just be in a bad mood for no reason?

I’m gonna keep an eye on it.  I was hoping to not have to see my doctor on Friday before I leave, but if this keeps up we need to discuss before I run all the nice out of my husband and family.


Update

So I’m officially stopping the Geodon.   Sad to see it go on the mood end, thrilled to be done with the side effects.

We opted for Abilify because apparently I had the pills in the wrong order in the “more likely to put you in a coma” chart.  My doctor said Abilify was best and Seroquel and Zyprexa are heavily sedating.  We debated starting it today (she wanted tomorrow, I wanted today so I can see how I reacted before work tomorrow).  Opted for half a dose today as a compromise.  Also added Ambien (another pill that scares me) because Geodon withdrawal makes my insomnia go crazy.

Took my half pill around 4pm.  So far I haven’t passed out so that looks good.  Geodon knocked me on my ass within an hour every time.  By “knocked out” I mean so tired that taking my bedtime pills or even just getting to the bed was a challenge.  It was like a mixture of feeling exhausted and just outright drugged as if someone put something in my drink or something.  This morning with the full sedation in full effect when I woke up I was walking into walls and I can’t recall most of the things my husband (or a glance at my phone) tells me.  My doctor called me, but I couldn’t remember calling her.  My car was moved and when I asked my husband if he knew why he reminded me I asked him for a Frappe.  I kinda remember the coffee, but not anything else that happened.

I’ve always said I would never take Abilify because of all the side effects, but the low side effect meds are officially ruled out now, so all I’m left with is long term side effect meds.  I’m hoping the Lamictal (will hit 100mg in a day or so) works because I really hate to have to take Abilify long term.

Side note, now that I’m done training and back actually working and now commission only once again I feel my workaholic self coming back in full force.  I’m trying to figure a way to get my husband a car to chip in his part of picking up our son from daycare a few nights a week so I can work late.  Going in tomorrow to make up for time lost today and will probably do so the following weekend again.  Luckily I work somewhere that closes and doesn’t let you (though some do) take work home.  So at some point they’ll kick me out and my day will be over regardless of if I made money or not.  When I was self employed and no one told me to stop working there were many nights I was home around 11pm or later after getting in around 7am or 8am.  That’s not to say I’m lazy with a base salary or hourly pay, I just don’t get quite as workaholic-y.

Hopefully workaholic tendencies won’t slow down my posting, but I guess it remains to be seen.

This blog has been a help in a lot of ways, so even if I’m swamped I’m going to try to make sure to take time for it.  Getting everything out is cathartic and going through my tag reader and subscriptions is a nice reminder that I’m not alone.  Free individual and group therapy sessions basically.


I knew it wouldn’t last long…today bipolar sucks again

Was my last post the Zen one?  If so this post will be the oxymoron to that one.

So Geodon side effects have gotten way worse.  My mouth and face are twitching like crazy starting around 2pm, sometimes earlier.  I’m grinding my teeth all day.  I’m hot and cold at the same time all day, which makes me have cold sweats, which means I stink (sorry TMI).  My heart beat (I tracked it) goes from 70 to 90.  Then 80 to 110.  Then 80 to 120.  Then 70 to 100.  It’s all over the place.  I thought I was going to die last night.  In the best words I know, it was like all the bad parts of a roll.  Not everyone know what that is, but it’s the part of the roll that sucks and is the reason I don’t do it anymore.

Last night I felt so awful I didn’t take any meds except Xanex because I couldn’t move enough (temperature would go to “freezing” and my shaking would get worse) to get to them and was too busy trying not to die.  The lack of Geodon gave me insomnia bad.  I took 2mg regular Xanex earlier in the evening to try to stop the side effects.  At 1am I took 1mg Xanex XR to try to sleep.  At 2am I finally ate something, took the Geodon, and finally passed out at around 3am.  Had to wake up for 4:45am for work, woke up at 6am.  Couldn’t open my eyes, walked into walls, generally was fucked up.  Called my boss and said I could come in and look crazy in front of clients and potentially pass out at a desk or stay home.  He said stay home.  I hate missing work.

Called the doctor.  Going in at 3 today.  Having to come off the Geodon.  God damnit.

You know, for all it’s AWFUL side effects, it worked amazing.  My speech is still forced and fast plus my energy levels are high, but other than that everything is normal.  Normal thoughts, normal spending, no hallucinations.  Not sleepy every morning!  I’m beyond pissed I can’t take this pill.  Absolutely livid.

Doctor mentioned Depakote on the phone in addition to Lamictal.  No go for me on that.  I hate Depakote.  I won’t stay on it and I know it.  It doesn’t work well enough to deal with it’s crap.

I worked up my own plan, but not all doctors let me do their job (which is understandable and all, but it is me taking the pills).  I haven’t been to this doctor enough to know how much say I get.

I wanna try Lamictal (I’m almost at 100mg) either at 100mg or 200mg if I can go up quicker.  Low dose Zyprexa (short term, lowest possible dose).  I’ve never tried it but I have that business trip not this week coming but next so I cannot a)be unable to wake up or b)be manic.  I think a week should be long enough to test Zyprexa to see if I’ll be able to wake up with no one out of town with me to drag me out of bed.  Off the Xanex XR because it hasn’t worked well for insomnia and makes me too drowsy all day.  Keep regular Xanex and 10mg Adderall.

Long term I’m hoping I can monotherapy the Lamictal for bipolar and have a Zyprexa or something else as an “as needed for impending mental breakdown” type of thing because of the long term side effects.  If it has to be long term, I’ll go vegan again because there are studies that say this diet prevents diabetes (which you can get from Zyprexa and other similar pills if you take them a long time).  I’ve got one lifetime illness and I don’t want another.  Especially not caused by the meds for the first long term illness.  What a crapshoot that is.  The Xanex and Adderall have to stay because I don’t function without them.

I’m not comfortable on mood stabilizers alone though.  I’m still too borderline hypomanic to risk it and my manias are never the good kind.  Antipsychotics are the only thing that keeps that half at bay.  I have breakthroughs on mood stabilizers alone regardless, but the antipsychotics at least stop them from including hallucinations.

I’m running out of meds to try and I’m freaking out.  I’m young still.  If I go through every possible med and nothing works what the hell am I supposed to do until I’m 80 or 90?  Wait for some new, untested, and expensive bipolar med to come out and hope it works?  The meds either don’t work, kinda work with awful side effects that aren’t worth it, or work with even more awful side effects.  Geodon was the lowest side effect antipsychotic (supposedly) and it’s had the worst ones yet for me.  I’ve never felt like I was going to die on other pills.  I literally was about to head to the ER last night.

“About to die” is not a side effect I can tolerate.  Especially the irregular heartbeat which you actually can die from.  So now I can pick from side effects ranging from “sleepy” to “exhausted” to “in the bathroom every five minutes.”  All of which suck but suck less than “about to die” so that should hold me through about two weeks of any of those side effects before I decide they too are unacceptable.

This all just plain blows.  So today, unlike a few days ago, I really hate bipolar.  Although I still do think it makes me good at what I do.  But, you know, I’m not at work doing it right now.  That’s pissing me off just as much as the med issues.  Finally done studying, out with clients, and now I’m home because I was too messed up on pills to go to work.  Me at home = Not making money = Pissed off me.  Plus I love my job and I don’t like not being there.  I’m missing important stuff that I may or may not be able to recreate a different day.  Can’t I at least be better long enough to manage to bring home a paycheck??

Anyone reading this on Zyprexa or another atypical (Abilify/Seroquel)?  I’ve always refused to take them but I’m running out of options here.  Would love some feedback on good and bad experiences with these, side effects and how long they lasted for, ect.