I knew it wouldn’t last long…today bipolar sucks again

Was my last post the Zen one?  If so this post will be the oxymoron to that one.

So Geodon side effects have gotten way worse.  My mouth and face are twitching like crazy starting around 2pm, sometimes earlier.  I’m grinding my teeth all day.  I’m hot and cold at the same time all day, which makes me have cold sweats, which means I stink (sorry TMI).  My heart beat (I tracked it) goes from 70 to 90.  Then 80 to 110.  Then 80 to 120.  Then 70 to 100.  It’s all over the place.  I thought I was going to die last night.  In the best words I know, it was like all the bad parts of a roll.  Not everyone know what that is, but it’s the part of the roll that sucks and is the reason I don’t do it anymore.

Last night I felt so awful I didn’t take any meds except Xanex because I couldn’t move enough (temperature would go to “freezing” and my shaking would get worse) to get to them and was too busy trying not to die.  The lack of Geodon gave me insomnia bad.  I took 2mg regular Xanex earlier in the evening to try to stop the side effects.  At 1am I took 1mg Xanex XR to try to sleep.  At 2am I finally ate something, took the Geodon, and finally passed out at around 3am.  Had to wake up for 4:45am for work, woke up at 6am.  Couldn’t open my eyes, walked into walls, generally was fucked up.  Called my boss and said I could come in and look crazy in front of clients and potentially pass out at a desk or stay home.  He said stay home.  I hate missing work.

Called the doctor.  Going in at 3 today.  Having to come off the Geodon.  God damnit.

You know, for all it’s AWFUL side effects, it worked amazing.  My speech is still forced and fast plus my energy levels are high, but other than that everything is normal.  Normal thoughts, normal spending, no hallucinations.  Not sleepy every morning!  I’m beyond pissed I can’t take this pill.  Absolutely livid.

Doctor mentioned Depakote on the phone in addition to Lamictal.  No go for me on that.  I hate Depakote.  I won’t stay on it and I know it.  It doesn’t work well enough to deal with it’s crap.

I worked up my own plan, but not all doctors let me do their job (which is understandable and all, but it is me taking the pills).  I haven’t been to this doctor enough to know how much say I get.

I wanna try Lamictal (I’m almost at 100mg) either at 100mg or 200mg if I can go up quicker.  Low dose Zyprexa (short term, lowest possible dose).  I’ve never tried it but I have that business trip not this week coming but next so I cannot a)be unable to wake up or b)be manic.  I think a week should be long enough to test Zyprexa to see if I’ll be able to wake up with no one out of town with me to drag me out of bed.  Off the Xanex XR because it hasn’t worked well for insomnia and makes me too drowsy all day.  Keep regular Xanex and 10mg Adderall.

Long term I’m hoping I can monotherapy the Lamictal for bipolar and have a Zyprexa or something else as an “as needed for impending mental breakdown” type of thing because of the long term side effects.  If it has to be long term, I’ll go vegan again because there are studies that say this diet prevents diabetes (which you can get from Zyprexa and other similar pills if you take them a long time).  I’ve got one lifetime illness and I don’t want another.  Especially not caused by the meds for the first long term illness.  What a crapshoot that is.  The Xanex and Adderall have to stay because I don’t function without them.

I’m not comfortable on mood stabilizers alone though.  I’m still too borderline hypomanic to risk it and my manias are never the good kind.  Antipsychotics are the only thing that keeps that half at bay.  I have breakthroughs on mood stabilizers alone regardless, but the antipsychotics at least stop them from including hallucinations.

I’m running out of meds to try and I’m freaking out.  I’m young still.  If I go through every possible med and nothing works what the hell am I supposed to do until I’m 80 or 90?  Wait for some new, untested, and expensive bipolar med to come out and hope it works?  The meds either don’t work, kinda work with awful side effects that aren’t worth it, or work with even more awful side effects.  Geodon was the lowest side effect antipsychotic (supposedly) and it’s had the worst ones yet for me.  I’ve never felt like I was going to die on other pills.  I literally was about to head to the ER last night.

“About to die” is not a side effect I can tolerate.  Especially the irregular heartbeat which you actually can die from.  So now I can pick from side effects ranging from “sleepy” to “exhausted” to “in the bathroom every five minutes.”  All of which suck but suck less than “about to die” so that should hold me through about two weeks of any of those side effects before I decide they too are unacceptable.

This all just plain blows.  So today, unlike a few days ago, I really hate bipolar.  Although I still do think it makes me good at what I do.  But, you know, I’m not at work doing it right now.  That’s pissing me off just as much as the med issues.  Finally done studying, out with clients, and now I’m home because I was too messed up on pills to go to work.  Me at home = Not making money = Pissed off me.  Plus I love my job and I don’t like not being there.  I’m missing important stuff that I may or may not be able to recreate a different day.  Can’t I at least be better long enough to manage to bring home a paycheck??

Anyone reading this on Zyprexa or another atypical (Abilify/Seroquel)?  I’ve always refused to take them but I’m running out of options here.  Would love some feedback on good and bad experiences with these, side effects and how long they lasted for, ect.


About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

4 responses to “I knew it wouldn’t last long…today bipolar sucks again

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