I’m not dead, I’m just busy with work and my mood is normal aka boring. It’s hard to post when I feel uninteresting. Pressured speech is replaced with not knowing what the heck to talk to people about. Before I talked too much and now I can’t think of anything to say. Not so good in sales.
My husband and I got in a fight over the weekend. Just like old times and still just as awful. He made some stupid comment about a girl and I lost my shit and hit him with a pillow. I was having a low self esteem kinda day and my lack of sex drive makes me constantly fearful that he’ll cheat or leave me. Thus, comments about other females are not acceptable. It may be childish, but I really don’t care.
So I hit him with the pillow. When I get mad, sometimes I lose it and hit. Not hard enough to hurt…or really hard at all, but the intention of hitting is there and my husband is fed up with it (understandably). I’ve gotten better about it (I used to hit harder and more often), but I’m not there yet. I’d like to think it’s not abusive because I can’t hit hard, but that’s just me trying to make it sound better. I mean, how abusive is a pillow?
Anyway, I had a migraine at the time and he hit me back with the pillow twice as hard or at least it felt like it. My brain felt like it was bleeding because of the migraine, I got pissed. He lost his cool and started screaming that if I hit him again he was going to hit back for real. Told me I was being stupid. Told me he hoped my head hurt so bad that I cried (it did and I did for the record). He ranted on some more, got up, walked out.
Now see, a few years back when we were having problems I would at this point get up, follow him, and bitch until I turned blue in the face. This would piss him off more and our fights would go for hours. So I sat, said nothing, let him go, and thought to myself “we can talk later” in mantra form to avoid calling him every three seconds or following him out the door.
I texted him about ten minutes later and said “I’m sorry…you don’t have to reply. We can talk later. I just wanted to apologize.” He apparently wanted to talk because he responded “Oh you’re sorry so that makes it okay” or something like that. Well, no, but I was sorry.
He came home, left again to complete the tasks he had to do for the day, I took some pills and went to sleep.
He woke me up when he got home, still pissed. WTF? Apparently he purposely stayed mad because he thinks that I think I can hit him with no consequence. Not true. Him yelling is a consequence. If you knew my husband, you’d know why. He’s mean and scary when he’s mad. I cried, started packing my stuff because my head hurt and I wasn’t dealing with fighting, and he said “all shit aside you have to stop and you can’t just do these things and expect me to be okay with it.” Which was a fair thing to say and after that we talked civilly although I cried my way through it.
I’m sad about it because we haven’t been fighting in a long time so when we slip it’s upsetting. I always wonder if one fight can lead us back to where we were two years ago. At this point, we’ve spent more years not fighting than the other way around, but the memory of our bad year is a scary one. I don’t want us to ever end up there again.
For the most part, we discuss things now and talk like adults and work things out. Every now and again my temper or his flares up and bad fights happen. I try my best not to escalate them and keep my son far away when they do happen. Sometimes I can kinda keep my cool, others not so much.
In other news, work is great. My new position is all I dreamed it would be, which means I’m at work a lot. Workaholic Kira in full swing. Many nights past closing, every Saturday. Work related stuff when I get home. I’ll burn out in the near future I’m sure. But for now I’m enjoying not hating life every second I’m at work and being excited about going again the next day. It’s been a long time since I felt that way.
This week has kinda sucked in numbers though so I’m basically working for free this week. I’ve helped some people out along the way which is fulfilling but also doesn’t pay bills. Need to find the right mix of charity and actual sales. I’m far from a hard closer (I think in the end that bites you in the ass in my industry…if not all sales fields), so my numbers take a while to build up sometimes. After a while, people start calling me for everything and trusting me because I didn’t just sell them something. Which leads to sales. My process is just a bit longer. I used to hard close when I started in sales but I felt like shit about myself and at some point people will complain. I didn’t like it so I came up with my own methods. I’ll probably never beat the hard closers in the short term, or even long term if they change locations a lot, but I do get good results and (added bonus!) I don’t hate myself.
Sorry for not posting in a while. I’ll try to be better. Work and toddler are taking up all of my day and without mania to help, I’m exhausted.