Title from “A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not” which also would have been a good title for this entry.
As some may know, bipolar swings really come in threes. Mania, depression, and the middle “normal” periods. I’m in that normal range right now. If you ask me, the normal phase is the most dangerous. Why? Because it can make you forget.
Lately, I’ve noticed myself forgetting that I have bipolar. Yes, I was just having an awful time less than a month ago. Yes, I have it documented on here. I can read my thoughts and yet they seem far, distant, and hazy. As if I dreamed them, not lived them. This seems to happen to me a lot. If I’m normal now, perhaps I’m getting better. It couldn’t possibly be that I’m well medicated.
Bipolar is tricky that way. It wants you to forget. Forget how many times you’ve tried to kill yourself. Forget how many times you’ve raged on people you love. Forget how dark life is when you’re depressed. Forget having to beg family and friends for money to pay the racked up credit card bills. Forget, the illness whispers in your mind. Forget so I can reek havoc.
So I listen. I forget. I think I’m okay. Sometimes I start to wonder why I take a meal of pills twice a day. Another of my famous excuses for stopping them. (I haven’t done that nor do I intend to.)
Sometimes I forget and things start to pop up and for the life of me I don’t know why. I’ll wake up sad one day. Sadder and sadder as the week goes on. Nothing has happened and I can’t figure it out. It takes until full blown depression sometimes for me to remember “oh yeah, I have crazy issues.” Or I’ll start to spend money and get irritable and won’t know what’s wrong until I start to hallucinate.
It’s like every time I swing, I forget everything that has ever happened to me. My mind wipes blank. Nothing ever was or has been before this moment. My memories are all blurry. People are annoyed by this all the time when I can’t remember things I’ve said and done.
I started wondering today…are other illness the same? Do they all trick you into thinking they’re gone so they can rear their ugly heads? Do they all fight as hard as bipolar does to dominate your life? It has a life of it’s own sometimes. I have to fight to keep it away. I have to outsmart my own brain.
I made an appointment with a therapist. It was a manic idea. It seemed like a good idea then. Now it doesn’t, but I think it might be. I really hate therapy. It seems like a lot of work for no improvement. My doctor asked me what I wanted to get out of it and I wasn’t sure. So I’ve been thinking about that lately too.
Ideally, and therapy probably can’t do this, I’d like to control how I react to the swings. Yes, I’ll be depressed. Yes, I’ll be manic. But perhaps I could be those things and not have them seep into everything I do. Maybe depression doesn’t have to make me lethargic and lazy. Maybe mania doesn’t have to make me blow up at people. Maybe, just maybe, I can control how I deal with them more than I am. I can fake it pretty well, but maybe I could do more.
If they can’t do that, then I’d take killing the anxiety at least. I’m going to die of stress if I don’t fix that. Plus I’m pretty sick of being scared or nervous about everything. Every little noise shouldn’t give me panic attacks.