All my life all I remember is crazy

So my husband was watching this movie Jumper last night.  It’s about a guy who can teleport.  We were discussing the plot holes in the movie, and it triggered these weird memories from my childhood.

The first was that for years I used to do what people call “astral projection” if I remember the term correctly.  Of course, I probably really didn’t.  I was probably delusional.  But at that young age, I didn’t have enough grasp on reality to know and I can’t alter how I remember my childhood reality.  I used to lay still and my body would lift up and I could go anywhere.  Not like imagine I went places, but feel myself go.  Where I could look down on me laying in bed and leave the house and go anywhere.

The other was that I used to have these dreams of running down the street and suddenly being able to take off and fly.  But I couldn’t fly like a bird.  I could only go up in increments.  Like a hop up and then walk at that level, then another hop up and so on.  One time, I recall vividly being able to do this outside of a dream.  Also clearly delusional.

It’s odd how these memories contrast with my normal child “imagination.”  When I was imagining, I can recall both the reality and what I was pretending.  When I was delusional, I can remember only the altered reality.  Like the times I would hallucinate things I can’t register that they weren’t there in the memory.  Even now with a better sense of things that really happen, I can only remember that at the time they were there.  Now when I see things, most of the time I can know they aren’t real.

A lot of my paranoia now comes from things I hallucinated as a child.  I used to see people walking through my house at night and in my room.  Sometimes outside my window.  They were made of black fuzz like on a broken TV.  I used to think they were ghosts since they clearly weren’t real people (though sometimes I saw more typical looking people).  Now, as an adult, I avoid places people have died because I’m so scared of ghosts.  To me, even though I know it was just hallucinations, those early memories will always be ghosts to me.  I also feel like I’m hyper-sensitive to supernatural vibes, although this is probably nonsense.

It’s really no fun to be a bipolar kid.  It’s sad that this life is all I have memories of.


About Kira

How do you say "I hate the about me section" without sounding cliche? I haven't found a way yet, so instead you'll now be subjected to random bits of info so you at least know what the blog is about. I'm a 26 year old wife and fairly new mom trying to make a life for myself and my family. These things should be run of the mill, but alas, I have Bipolar (amongst other diagnoses that I have long since lost track of). So here I am, trying to juggle a professional career, marriage, motherhood...and my own general crazy. All the rest of the "about me" sordid details will have to come in time, but the bottom line is that I need somewhere to vent that makes me feel like I'm being heard (even if no one ever reads this) and if along the way I can help another person or two then all the better. **Full Disclaimer** For the record, Kira is not my real name. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of all of my issues, but I do have a career and such and need to keep some level of privacy due to that. And, well, I'm paranoid. View all posts by Kira

4 responses to “All my life all I remember is crazy

  • Helen

    Your memories sparked similar memories from my childhood. I would lay very still and focus on the odd shapes and colors that appear when your eyes are closed. Eventually I would do that ‘out of body’ thing. I liked being able to go to an alternate reality, but it was also scary. I had to stay indoors because I was sure I would float up forever if I got out under the sky. Haven’t tried it in years. Maybe I will tonight…

  • fishrobber69

    I’m amazed to see someone else talk about astral projection. Your description is pretty similar to the [feeling? experience?] I’ve had many times. Maybe it’s bipolar-enhanced, or maybe I just have an immersive imagination. When I was younger, I would “travel” to get away from home, but that was always a fun or positive fantasy. (here’s an old post about it: )

    Now the projections are more like a waking dream, and they are almost never good. I obsess about death and disaster a lot, and sometimes I’ll imagine being in a crash, or driving off into a canyon, or family getting killed somehow, etc.; not just thinking about it, but actually being drawn in to my imaginary disaster, feeling the fear and adrenaline and sadness. I get so deep in this fugue that I lose track of reality, and I think I’ve been close to a schizoid episode a few times. I know I should stop myself from going down dark paths like this, but when I am feeling like crap it becomes so easy to step outside reality and get lost in the dark spaces in my head.

    • Kira

      If I remember correctly, I took my clothes with me when I was a kid, but other than that your post is pretty much exactly as I recall.

      I had bad projections when I was little like you’re talking about, often in the backseat of a car imagining I was being kidnapped or something.

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