So my husband was watching this movie Jumper last night. It’s about a guy who can teleport. We were discussing the plot holes in the movie, and it triggered these weird memories from my childhood.
The first was that for years I used to do what people call “astral projection” if I remember the term correctly. Of course, I probably really didn’t. I was probably delusional. But at that young age, I didn’t have enough grasp on reality to know and I can’t alter how I remember my childhood reality. I used to lay still and my body would lift up and I could go anywhere. Not like imagine I went places, but feel myself go. Where I could look down on me laying in bed and leave the house and go anywhere.
The other was that I used to have these dreams of running down the street and suddenly being able to take off and fly. But I couldn’t fly like a bird. I could only go up in increments. Like a hop up and then walk at that level, then another hop up and so on. One time, I recall vividly being able to do this outside of a dream. Also clearly delusional.
It’s odd how these memories contrast with my normal child “imagination.” When I was imagining, I can recall both the reality and what I was pretending. When I was delusional, I can remember only the altered reality. Like the times I would hallucinate things I can’t register that they weren’t there in the memory. Even now with a better sense of things that really happen, I can only remember that at the time they were there. Now when I see things, most of the time I can know they aren’t real.
A lot of my paranoia now comes from things I hallucinated as a child. I used to see people walking through my house at night and in my room. Sometimes outside my window. They were made of black fuzz like on a broken TV. I used to think they were ghosts since they clearly weren’t real people (though sometimes I saw more typical looking people). Now, as an adult, I avoid places people have died because I’m so scared of ghosts. To me, even though I know it was just hallucinations, those early memories will always be ghosts to me. I also feel like I’m hyper-sensitive to supernatural vibes, although this is probably nonsense.
It’s really no fun to be a bipolar kid. It’s sad that this life is all I have memories of.