So I haven’t posted in a long time. I didn’t die or anything. I guess I just felt like I was spending too much time living in my illness and I needed a break from it. I needed some time to enjoy the fact that my meds were working and to just enjoy feeling somewhat normal. Then I thought that I wasn’t keeping up with my mood as well as I should be and was getting out of touch with myself, so I decided maybe I needed to come back to doing this as a journal.
I’ve been really busy lately. I decided to go back to school to further my career a bit. I’m on my second semester and things are going well. I’m sure that a full time job, full time school, and parenthood is probably more than what I should be taking on, but things have to get done in spite of my illness, so onward I press.
I’ve been going to therapy regularly. It’s been a huge help in my life. I feel like I’m over a lot of the huge fears that were taking over my life and making it hard to do little things that other people can do with ease. It’s also helped me learn to think through things more before they do them and have someone to have a sense of accountability to in terms of my mood and keeping up with my meds.
On the bad side of things, I found out that shortly after my breakdown (when my husband and I weren’t really on speaking terms) that he had been talking to girls on Craigslist. He said nothing more than talking ever happened, which I believe. That doesn’t stop it from hurting though. The sad thing is that we had been doing really well before I found this out. We were getting along and hardly fighting at all.
I found out about two weeks ago. I’m still hurt, like, brain splitting, mind numbing, heart crushing hurt. I’m depressed, but not so much so that I’m unable to function and get through the day. The odd thing is that while I’m depressed, I’m able to have moments of happiness in between the depression. He’ll do something sweet or comfort me when I’m feeling really down, and I get a warmth and happiness inside. It’s odd for me because that’s never happened before. Usually when I’m depressed that’s all I can be. Like there isn’t room inside me for more than one strong emotion at a time. I talked to my therapist about it and she said this is how normal people feel when they have a mild depression. It doesn’t take over their whole being. Huh. So I’m feeling something normal for once. A little glimpse into the life of a regular person.
Thing is, it keeps sending off alarms for me. I don’t know what I’m afraid might happen, but something about having a depression with a light at the end of the tunnel feels scary to me. I guess maybe simply because it’s not what I’m used to or what I know. Depression? Got it. Mania? Check. Depression with a side of happy? Now my brain hurts.
I’m also spending a lot of time thinking about what our life was when we first got together. We had a lot of freedom those days. We could go out if we wanted when we felt like it. We could get home and have sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms. We could do what we wanted when we felt like it. Marriage, serious jobs, and a kid have changed all that. And I wonder…would our relationship have gotten so bad if we still had that kind of freedom? If we could still do whatever we wanted with only job constrains, would we have separated once and been on the verge this last time? I think probably not.
Then that thought, wishing that we still had the life we had in our younger years together, makes me feel like a bad mom. Like somehow thinking this is the same thing as thinking that I wish I wouldn’t have had a kid. Which of course, it’s not. I love my son more than anything. He brings me so much joy and a sense of purpose I never knew without him. He gives me a reason to keep trying to get better and not destroy my life with every move I make. But somehow, missing my old life makes me feel like Worst Mother of the Year. It’s just some days I wish my husband and I had more time to be us. More time to spend together, not exhausted from a full day of work and childrearing. Some time that wasn’t spent thwarting terrible twos.
Maybe it’s just the depression. I’m sure that’s what it is. But can’t stop feeling like a really crappy mom.
Anyway, back to my regular routine. I’m going to try to get back in the habit of posting regularly on here again. It seemed to help when I did. I just needed a break from my mind for a while. i can’t promise a post a day what with school and work and my son and trying to re-fix my marriage, but I will do the best I can. Not like oh so many people read this or anything…