I just got the information on our new medical plan at work. The “low deductible” options has a $3000 deductible. $3000!! That’s ridiculous! It covers 100% of well visits to primary care so it’s supposed to be cheaper for most people, but for me…well, I’m screwed. I see my therapist twice a month and my doctor at least once every three months, more if I’m having issues. I go to the ER sometimes in really bad situations, which will now only be covered at 80%. To top it off, neither of my crazy doctors will be in network, so even after the insane deductible is met they will only cover 60% of the cost. WTF am I gonna do? My medical costs are already astronomical. I really can’t afford another huge hit to my wallet just because I’m ill. Then I have my son’s medical care to worry about as well. He takes a few trips to the ER each year for serious illness etc. I have a health spending account, but that won’t really help. I put in $2400 this year and was out of money in less than six months. I can’t even deal with this right now.
Onto relationship issues. Today is the day that my husband and I send each other weekly emails. This was a suggestion of my therapist after the Craigslist fall out. We decided that since he was obviously more comfortable sending emails than actually coming to me saying there was a problem that we would try to fix our communication problems via email. So now once a week we write to each other saying how we feel, how the other did that week, and what could have been improved. So far it’s working okay, but my husband’s emails are always just a few sentences while mine are like a book so I get a little frustrated. The ultimate goal is to make it a habit of being open about our feelings and discovering problems in a timely fashion so they don’t spiral out of control like they have in the past. I’m hoping that even if it’s not Thursday that if there is a mjor problem we will email each other to disucss it. This also helps because you can’t really yell or walk out one someone via email so it keeps tensions lower. Plus you generally think before you type but not so much before you speak, so it makes you say less hurtful things. That’s the intention anyhow. We’ll see how it works long term.
I’m not sure exactly what I want to say this week. Things have been good between us, but I’m still feeling mildly depressed. I feel generally crappy and like my life blows. I’m not wallowing in it too much. I’m getting on with my days. But around 3:00 I exhaust out and can’t do much of anything until around 6:00 when I get a second wind (usually thanks to my new second dose of Adderall). I’m stressed that even though things are okay now that we’ll just get back in our regular pattern of fighting and misery. I love my husband dearly and wouldn’t want anyone else, but we both have short fuses and don’t bend so easily and it makes for explosive situations sometimes. I hope we can work through these things and have a lasting, somewhat healthy relationship.
I guess I’m depressed because I remember when we first got together and never fought. I remember how nice it was to feel loved and wanted. I remember nighst up late talking to talk. Then I see us barely speaking in our bad times and fighting in our worst times. But then we have upswings and things are great and we talk all night again and love each other. My marriage is like my mood – great or awful with hardly any in between. Is it my lot in life to have only extremes? Can I not have a middle ground in any aspect of my crazy life?