I’ve been getting migraines every day for two weeks now. My insurance started requiring 90 day supplies of “maintenance” medication, so my Topamax prescription was denied as it was a 30 day supply. As such, I have gone a month without it because my migraine doctor is about 45 minutes out of the way and frankly I’ve been too lazy to call and ask her to call in a refill. Too lazy to pick up the phone, even though I’m on the phone all day at work. I have no valid explanation for this. But after two weeks of insane headaches that are causing me to take random naps on my desk to avoid the pain, I finally called her yesterday and asked that they call in a 90 day refill for me. Was it at the pharmacy today? Nope. Took some Treximet and another nap on my desk. How productive.
I’ve been at my current location for work six months now. I’ve yet to tell any of the people that I now work with about my illness. Since things have mostly been under control, I just come off as kinda quirky. I guess I’m okay with that. I have an office to myself, so there isn’t ever an issue of anyone touching stuff on my desk and sending me into a rage of fury because my pen isn’t where I left it. Plus if I’m feeling unmotivated no one is standing over my shoulder asking why I’m not working every second that I’m there. I get some down time and breaks, which has been super helpful. Not every day, but most days. On days I’m up and ready to work my ass off, I’m left alone to work like mad. What’s really great is that since no one can see into my office unless they go really out of their way, the constant switches between super productive and totally useless go unnoticed.
Since I’m so secluded at work, talking about my bipolar hasn’t really been enough of an issue for anyone for me to have to bring it up. The only time that I get concerned is when I have to go to my doctor (which is usually 2-3 times a month) and people ask me if everything is okay and what I’m going for. Usually I just say I have a myriad of medical issues that need tending to and mention my migraines and then leave them to wonder what else might be wrong with me. Is it bad I’d rather them think I have some life threatening illness rather than know I’m crazy? Then they pity me instead of back away slowly and run for the door.
Part of me doesn’t like not talking about it though. It makes me feel like I’m lying to people, which I hate doing. My manager said I shouldn’t mention anything unless there’s no other alternative though, so I guess I’m gonna keep on with what I’m doing it. The times I’ve had to leave over the crazy I’ve just blamed it on a migraine and everyone mostly seems okay with it. I just have to avoid crying or acting mental long enough to get out the door (so about five minutes). Usually manageable.
I gotta say, medication that works is truly a blessing. Every medication I’ve ever taken has caused so many side effects that my head spins, but my current cocktail seems to be working with no side effects at all. My mood is mostly stable (as stable as it’ll get at least) and I’m not so tired that I can’t wake up until noon or feel drugged up all day. Xanex days aside, of course. On a high anxiety day if I have to pop a Xanex I’m out of it for half the day. Most of my coworkers know I have anxiety though, so I can write that one off as well.
Overall, I’m still mildly depressed but working through it. I’m surprised at how little I wallow in sadness. Usually it’s all consuming, but now I just feel more sleepy than usual and have “down” moments through the day where I just sit and do nothing for a while. Of course, doing nothing is really bad for depression, but sometimes I just can’t get the motivation to do anything else. It’s usually not for long periods of time so I’m giving myself a pass. My therapist said I should time these moments and give myself one to two minutes of self pity and then force myself to move on. I haven’t really tried this. Don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t like to be forced to do stuff if I’m not in the mood. I feel like if I did this I’d be forcing myself to work when I don’t feel like it and the quality of work would be awful and thus not worth doing. My perfectionist personality rearing it’s head.
We’ll see how this all plays out, but for now I’m hopeful that this will be a short lived and mild depression.