Category Archives: migraines

Shopping, Sex, and Sadness

I’m so exhausted lately.  My classes this semester go until 9:45 at night which means I don’t get home until 10:30.  I have a hard time getting to sleep plus I have a long night time routine so that means I’m asleep around midnight.  Then I wake up  at 5:30am and do it all over again.  Luckily I only have physical classes two nights a week.  My other classes are online.  Still, a 45+ hour work week plus 12 course hours of school is starting to get to me.  Top it off with a mild depression and I’m passing out at my desk.

Last semester even though I was tired I still wasn’t falling asleep at work, so I’m chalking this up to the combo of work, school, and depression.  I’d take my Adderall around 3:00 (when I start to pass out) but then it wouldn’t last me until 10:30 and I wouldn’t be able to pay attention in class or pay attention to drive home.

I still find myself feeling like a bad wife and mother.  I feel like I’m a burden on everyone all the time.  I’ve gotten a lot better at doing things on my own lately, but I still can’t help but feel that all I do is inconvenience my loved ones.  I feel like one day my son will say I didn’t love him or something.  Just the depression talking, but I feel like everyone dislikes me.

On the flip side, I’ve been crazy horny lately.  TMI, I know, but I felt it was worth mentioning because never have sex and depression gone hand in hand for me.  Is this what a mixed episode feels like?  I haven’t had those since I was a kid and used to rapid cycle so much that it was one constant mixed episode.  I forget what it feels like to have both sides of my personality in my brain at once.

I don’t really think it’s a mixed episode though because in the last month my spending has gone down a good bit.  After my last manic episode I couldn’t quite get the spending part under control.  It was like my brain was saying “you spent all that money and didn’t go bankrupt so you didn’t really finish the job.”  I self sabotage too much.  My brain wants me to be dead broke and I don’t know why.  I’ve worked for years savings my money and within a few months of overspending almost all of it is gone.  Granted, I could have blown it all in a day or two plus some.  Not like that hasn’t been done before…but still, I was really proud of saving all that money.  All just to blow it.  So now I’m on a cash and debit only budget and I keep all my emergency credit cards at home so I can’t take an “emergency” lunch break to the mall or Ebay and drop a few hundred dollars in thirty minutes.

Migraines are steady getting worse.  My doctor finally called in my Topamax so hopefully in a week or so they’ll stop.

Is anything in life good?  My son.  I’m happy I have him in my life.  Despite my husband’s inability to stay out of trouble online, I love him.  Like my therapist says…even though we make mistakes we are still lovable.  I don’t feel very lovable.  At her suggestion, I tell myself I am a few times a day.  Not working yet.  Some of my affirmations that I keep on my iPhone app do help, but the lovable one hasn’t sunk in just yet.  Maybe soon.


Migraines, shots, and naps

I’ve been beyond crazy busy.  Today my body not so nicely told me to slow it down by giving me a migraine from hell that kept me home.  I got to try out my Sumavel shot, which needle free it may be, but as the doctor warned, pain free it is not.  I messed up on the first one and successfully did the second one.  I then slept for eight and half hours.  I am now feeling headache free and very rested (as one should be after seven hours of sleep at night followed by an eight hour nap).

Therapy has been going well, but that’s a long post for another day and the Topamax that’s supposed to make my headaches not happen has my fingers too numb to make a long post tonight.

Your pills make me dizzy

I went to the neurologist yesterday for my migraines.  I couldn’t take the constant headache anymore.  I left with FIVE prescriptions.  I now officially take more medicine than a 90 year old.  My life is so depressing.

The doctor told me that I had a lot of things working against me.  She said people with psychiatric problems tend to be treatment resistant (figures).  She also said a lot of the medicine I’ve either tried and had issues with or can’t take because of my bipolar so we’re limited to what we can use.  She also doesn’t want to prescribe narcotics, most likely because of the bipolar.  I really don’t care what she gives me if the headaches go away.

I walked out back on Dopamex Topamax.  The pill that makes me tingly and stupid.  She says orange juice will make the tingly go away.  Something my crazy doctors didn’t know I guess.  I also got some kind of fancy Ibuprofen (Ketoprofen?), Trexemet, Imitrex shot, and a refill of Promethazine.

I find it increasingly odd that all of my problems are treated with similar pills.  This leads to me believe all my problems are cause by my crazy.

She also wants to do a spinal tap because she says maybe, based on my headaches, I might be leaking spinal fluid.  Really?!  I mean, really?  Can’t I catch a break??  Jury is still out on if I believe this is possible enough to deal with a spinal tap.  I’m untrusting of lots of tests.  I’m sure the doctors get a kickback on these things.  There’s a lot of money in big problems.  Perhaps not so much with treatable ones.  I’ve been stressed like crazy over it and my hypochondriac head is now making my spine hurt all day.

I had to get a new book to track all my medications.  My old book ran out of room.  I really hate my life on days like this.