Category Archives: random

The Circle Never Breaks…

So Sallie Mae declined my student loan application based on the fact that I’ve only been at my current job position for 8 months, even though I’ve been with the company for four years.  That and the fact that I work on commission.  Now I’m in the fun position of having literally no money to go to school next semester.  FML.

I mean, really?  They said I need a cosigner.  I can’t get a cosigner.  My husband has shit for credit from a car repo before we got married.  My mom refuses to cosign because she said she tried to help me go to college when I was 18 and I dropped out.

Yeah, I dropped out because I had no goals at the time and had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  I told her I wasn’t on meds at the time and this time was different, even my therapist says so.  She says I did it for the first two years okay, why did I have issues the last two?  Hell if I know.  Why does my brain ever do anything?  Why did I get depressed or manic or whatever the hell I was that I can’t even remember?  I’m pretty sure I was depressed because I recall sleeping a lot and not being able to get up to go to class.  Most of it is a blur at this point.  I’m sure there was a manic episode or two that cause some of those A semesters.  Lots of energy to burn?  Try college!  But the F semesters were more likely depression.  When I got my transcript I could actually see the mood swings in my grades.  Semester one – A, B, A, A.  Semester Two – A, B, C, A.  Semester Three – C, D, F, F.  Semester Four – F, D, W, W.  Not exactly like that, but you get the idea.

She says me going back to school isn’t her problem.  I get it.  It’s not.  But since I got free tuition when I went the first time and she just paid for books I don’t see why she can’t at least cosign for me.  She then went on to say she might be willing to give me some money.  She confuses me so much.  You’ll give me money but won’t sign your name so that I’ll pay it myself?  No, she says, because if I can’t pay it her name will be on it.  Yes, I say, but whenever I don’t have money you help me out anyway so what difference does it make?  Apparently not the right thing to say.  What do I know?

So now I wonder what the fuck is the point of me continuing this semester if I just have to drop after it?  If I don’t have the money to keep on going, why waste all this time now?  I’m giving up time with my family, time sleeping, time relaxing, time working, time doing any number of things that would likely be more enjoyable than studying.  If I’m not going to get a degree out of said time, then why the hell should I be wasting it on school?  Yes, I like to learn, but at my own pace and about things I’m interested in not things that the deities of the school system think I should know.

But alas, the degree is important for my job.  My job was actually supposed to help pay half, but the declined me too.  They couldn’t even be bothered to tell me why.  I wasn’t special enough or something.  I really don’t know what to do at this point.  I need to go, but funds are limited and I’ve spent us in a total hole the last eight months.

I can’t tell my mom this of course.  She knows.  She tells me I spend too much.  Now that I’m mildly depressed I spend in budget, but coming off the high of a manic phase I just couldn’t curb it.  It wasn’t the panicked spending in the thousands of dollars a day I was doing in the manic phase, but it was $50 here, $20 there, $100 there and it all added up.  I just kept needing things.  Don’t know why.  Just had to have them.  Would die without them.  Skincare first.  Then makeup.  Then skincare agin.  Then purses and wallets.  All always one thing I would obsess over and spend on that one thing.  When I’m manic I do that, but also buy loads of other random crap just to spend money.  Coming off the mania, it was like obsessions with categories.  I must have every eyeshadow color this brand has ever made.  I must have every Coach Poppy bag.  My wallets must all mach and I need three.  Does this sound like some type of OCD?  Hoarding?  Something.  It’s not manic spending.  It feels different.  But it’s bad.  Maybe just a shopping addiction.  I always have to be addicted to something.  Better than the drugs, I suppose.  More expensive though.

I saw my pDoc today.  She upped my Lamictal to 300mg to help the mild depression.  We also switched from 30mg XR Adderall am and 15mg regular Adderall pm to 15mg regular Adderall 3/day.  That was my suggestion because I find that the XR lasts less time than the regular.  I take the XR around 6am and by noon I can’t even focus long enough to read a book or listen to a phone call with a client.  When I take my regular dose at 5pm I can focus until around 1am if I really needed to.  So about the same amount of time actually.  But with the current setup I can’t focus from 12pm-5pm.  That’s five hours of me being totally unproductive and generally surfing the internet because I can change the page every five seconds when I get distracted or bored.  Or napping.  Whatever.

I hate these long posts.  I’m sure no one reads them.  They look too long and formidable to get through.  Ultimately I post to vent to myself, but my vanity wants to think that someone somewhere gives a shit about my crazy.  My family can’t stand my crazy though, so why would anyone else voluntarily subject themselves to it?

My husband says he hates himself all the time.  I dislike me a lot right now and I hate my life.  I love my son though and my husband, so I plow on for them.  If not for them, I’d curl up in a ball and wallow.  If it gets bad enough I still might.  I wonder if other people hate themselves often.  I wonder if other people wake up and go “what happened to me” or “what happened to my life.”  I must think that 100 times a day.

I used to be so fun, such a party girl.  I had gotten out of a deep depression and was self medicating, so of course I was fun.  Everyone loved me.  Or hated me.  Not a lot of grey area.  Most people loved me though.  I lit up a room.  I was out ’till four in the morning and staggering into work the next day with stories about having sex in front of four people or dancing on table tops or whatever other crazy shit I had come up with.  The reality check is that I was in a very unhealthy place.  The ideal version I have in my head is that people actually liked me for once.  Plus I was having fun.  I liked me.  I liked my life like that.  I liked numbing the crazy and self medicating.  It’s much more fun than the real medication.

I look back…and part of me really misses that time in my life.  As absolutely fucked up as my life was then, I kinda liked it.  I had no money.  I was destroying my future.  I was destroying relationships with my family.  I was making reckless decisions left and right.  I was filled with wild abandon.  I was let loose and crazy and manic but not in the hallucinogenic type of way.  In the fun way where you destroy your life and think it’s awesome.

Then I realized what I was doing and I got really depressed.  Like, tried to kill myself depressed.  Tried to go to a doctor who turned me away.  Got worse.  Cried all day for months.  I tried to pick up the pieces of my life and I did.  I got a good job, I got married, I had a kid.  All things I had decided to do while manic and messed up, but I held through with my crazy promises to myself.

I stabilized after a while.  Had some episodes here and there.  Had one long episode of depression the whole time I was pregnant and about three months after.  I try to forget how bad I was then because I know I made my husband miserable.  The fact that he didn’t leave still surprises me.

Stabilized for a while again, and had another break about nine months ago.  Screwed more stuff up.  Got to a good doctor.  Got on the right meds.

And now, here I am left with this normal, ordinary life.  And it’s just not enough for crazy, extreme me.  My life is filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows and middle periods?  They get kinda boring after a while.  Right now I’m holding on to “right below the middle” for dear life though.  Not the biggest fan of the depressive side of the illness.

But this normal life, it’s making me itch.  Normal job.  Normal family.  Normal employee.  Normal wife.  Normal mother.  Who is this person?  I don’t like her.  She’s too vanilla.  I want that fun, crazy, party girl back.  But to get that back, I’d have to give up my son and husband.  My son I tried so hard to have.  My husband I’ve worked so hard to keep.  I wouldn’t give them up for anything – not all the parties and self medication in the world.  So why do I still feel like I miss that life?  If I wouldn’t change what I have, why do I ache for what I don’t?  I guess somehow I think I could have both.  I can be nomal!Kira until 8pm and party!Kira when the sun goes down.  History tells me normal and manic don’t go well together, but I sure wish I could have the good things that come with mania normally.  The energy.  The lively personality.  The lack of fear.

Now I’m just here, with my vanilla life, hating myself for wanting something different than my wonderful family.  Well, I don’t but I do.  I don’t know.  I know I hate thinking I might want something different.  I know I hate missing the party life.  Then my paranoia kicks in and I think, what if I can think these things into reality?  What if by the mere passing thought of wanting to be that girl again that somehow my son and husband will be taken from me by some greater act of nature.  A car wreck or a fire or something that takes what’s most important to me away because I wasn’t grateful enough for what I had.  Then I’d forever be missing what I have right this second and I’m here too stupid to enjoy it.  That’s my greatest fear of all – losing them because I didn’t love them well enough.

I’m such a shit wife and mother.

And now I’m officially wallowing.

Advertisements

Daylight savings and shopping issues

I hate daylight savings time. Most people take a day or two
to get their cycle back to normal. It takes me months. Little
changes like that really mess with me. Actually any little change
will do that. If work makes me go in an hour early once day, my
schedule gets all messed up and I’m a wreck for a while. If my
routine in the mornings isn’t just so I forget things and then I’m
depressed about it for days. I hate how little things to other
people are big things to me. Daylight savings seems to be the
worst. The spring forward messes with my sleep the most and I’m
exhausted for at least a month usually. Sometimes it will make me
swing one way or another. I hear most bipolar people swing up
during either daylight savings. I’ve never actually tracked it and
I have no memory, so maybe I always swing up or down in a pattern
around these times but I’m not sure. All I know is that I feel like
shit either way. I’m also good for seasonal affective issues where
I’m more likely to swing down in winter and up in summer, though
it’s nothing you could set a clock to (much like all my
problems-they’re all too volatile). In other news I think my last
bout of mania has trigger and all the time shopping addiction or
compulsion or some type of shopping issue. I’m not manic. My
thoughts are regular fast but not overwhelming speed. I’m only
seeing things that are stressed induced (weird I know). I don’t
have any brilliant ideas or anything. I’m not hyper productive and
able to accomplish five days work in an hour. In general I’m just
plain old boring me with ad added bonus new problem of being unable
to go a day without spending ass loads of money I do not have
considering I spent it all plus extra a month ago while manic.
Another problem for the therapist I guess. I could, my logical half
says, get all the plastic out of my wallet and carry cash. Or use
an emergency Kira is bipolar and crazy account. But the illogical
part keeps saying “you can control this” or even worse “buy one
more thing then ditch the cards” or sometimes even “but you get
points when you use the credit card.” Sigh. It’s so sad when my
“normal” isn’t even close to being normal.


Look how far I haven’t come

From 2004:

This week I’ve had a really bad manic period. Mania can sometimes be fun because you can get stuff done and go on little amounts of sleep. But soon it either gets worse, catches up to you, or both. This week all three have happened. It started out with mild delusional things, which are horribly annoying but not horrid. But every night it got worse and worse. Two nights ago I was waking up every thirty minutes thinking there were bugs in my bed and people in my house until I finally gave up and just stared at my door and my sheets for the rest of the night. Last night I was sitting on my computer (looking at designer bags and clothes, as tends to happen when I get manic) and I heard this strange noise on the side of my bed. It sounded a bit like a gurgle. I was SURE there was something in there and played the muting TV game to make sure I heard it more than once. The second time I heard it I felt like if I didn’t go get my mom it would kill me, so I woke my mom and step-dad up at 3:30 rambling about something in my room. [Step-dad] came in but didn’t find anything, at which point I started going on about how I was delusional, but I think it came out as one word that he couldn’t understand. He told me to go sleep in mom’s room since I tend to feel safer if someone is next to me. But her room is full of shadows which is NOT good when you’re seeing things. I think there was something dog-ish looking next to the bed and I started to see lights everywhere. The lights aren’t bad because they’re not scary, but the rest is. I didn’t feel like I was going to die like I did in my room though, so at least an improvement. The worst though is that the whole room feels alive moving and you can’t scream. Or at least I never will. If I talk about it after it all happens, that feels okay. But if I get so scared that I scream it means I’ve lost control. There is nothing worse in the entire world than not being in control of yourself. And you know all that crap isn’t there but as many times as you tell yourself it just won’t go away. After a while of talking myself down by talking to mom, I finally went to bed. I had some crazy dream about twin cats and one of them died and the school was burning or something. Made no sense and made me restless, but not the worst part of the evening. I told mom I would go to the doctor if and ONLY IF there was a deal in place that he wouldn’t try to make me take pills. So we might do that. The other idea I had was to just take a few pills when I had episodes to knock the valporic acid level up long enough to get me through the week. Haven’t done that yet though. The thing that scares me the most is always the thought that I’ll never have a time when I don’t have to worry about randomly melting down. Which in essence means I’m a liability at any job I have. I refuse to accept defeat over that, but it’s really scary. Ugh. Anyhow, other than just being really really tired I’m okay now. No meds required, so HA. And no panic attacks or rages, so I’m really proud of myself. 

I noticed people on my tag reader have been posting old journal entries, so stupid me decided to go look at mine.  I am now depressed that I have effectively made NO progress whatsoever.  Seven years ago.  Age 19.  Now 26…same shit.  Remember the post that I mentioned the title “A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not”?  Welcome to my circle.

My life blows.

Chant in head says “don’t get depressed, don’t get depressed, don’t get depressed….”

Note:  Before that post I hadn’t taken meds in a while, if you couldn’t guess from the content.  Again, circle circle circle.  You’d think all the times not taking medicine hasn’t worked out for me that I’d stay on the stupid things.  Alas, insanity is doing the same thing, as they say.


I promise to be less awful

Being alone (or at least without my husband and son) this week has me bored.  Bored me thinks too much.  So this morning I decided to work on something that’s been on my “things I’d like to do” list for a few years.

I’m a huge fan of Franklin Covey things.  I read 7 Habits back in high school and have used Franklin Covey planners since then up until I got my iPad which has now replaced my paper planners.  I make my fancy lists and prioritize them and try to get important things accomplished.  I do this because generally my energy level doesn’t last long so I have to get as much accomplished as I can before my brain calls it a day.  My ADD works against me too because without a list I lose focus and spend the day getting nothing accomplished other than being distracted.

I have a tendency to over plan because it gives me a sense of control.  My husband says I’m a control freak, but if I can’t control my head I’m gonna be able to control something.  It’s a habit I need to break.

Anyway, the Franklin Covey system is based around “mission statements.”  It’s one of the things in the system I never got around to doing because it required too much reflection.  Plus it makes me think about “here’s the person I want to be” and I don’t always have the ability to control that so I tend to just not think about it.  Just be has been my motto…like the Calvin Klein ads of the 90’s or something.

When I was playing online this morning I found the Franklin Covey website had a “mission statement” builder tool.  I decided what the hell and did it.  It’s really a work in progress.  It asks you questions and builds a long thing about what you want to accomplish and how you want to live and such.  My goal is to take all that and turn it into a few phrases (for work and home) that I can go back to when I’m acting like a bitch or having a bad day.  Something that can be a mantra to live by.

Maybe it will help.  Maybe it will just piss me off to think about it on a bad day.  Regardless, I figured I’d post what I came up with (edited a bit because I didn’t know how it was going to spit things out so I was writing full sentences).  And yes I’m calling it Kira LLC.  Because companies have mission statements, not people.

Kira’s Rough Draft Mission Statement

AKA Kira LLC

I am at my best when I am at my best when I am internally motivated and happy to be where I am.

I am at my best when I don’t let external factors dictate my emotions.

I will try to prevent times when I am at my worst when I am stressed and annoyed by things I cannot control.

I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can help people when I’m at work and be successful simply by doing the right things by my clients.  (I do have this already)

I will find enjoyment in my personal life through spending more time with my son and husband. I will enjoy the moments when they make me laugh or smile as they come and not be thinking about what else I need to do.  I will be in the moment just as my husband and son are and not worry so much about other things.  I will learn to truly enjoy them and not focus on the bad days.

I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as my ability to listen and understand others as well as to learn new things quickly.

I can do anything I set my mind to. I will continue to work hard and my job and prove that I am the best at it.

My life’s journey is about helping others and being a great mother and wife.

My journey is learning from my mistakes and being the best I can be every day.

I will be a person who has my family around me. I’d like them to say that I was the best mom and wife that I could have been considering my limited abilities some days. I’d like them to say that they are proud of what I’ve accomplished at work and in my personal life. I’d like them to say that no matter what mood I was in they knew they were loved.

My most important future contribution to others will be love, understanding, and caring. My success at work contributes the ability to create a good life for the people that are important to me.
I will stop procrastinating and start working on:

  • My grumpiness with my family (husband, son, and mother)
  • Telling and showing those I love that I appreciate them especially when my actions say otherwise.

I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

  • patience
  • letting things go
  • not letting external factors influence productivity

I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

  • Get the right amount of sleep and spending more time outside.
  • Being more zen and in the moment.
  • Working harder to overcome the mental challenges I face.
  • Being a less tiring friend.