I’m so exhausted lately. My classes this semester go until 9:45 at night which means I don’t get home until 10:30. I have a hard time getting to sleep plus I have a long night time routine so that means I’m asleep around midnight. Then I wake up at 5:30am and do it all over again. Luckily I only have physical classes two nights a week. My other classes are online. Still, a 45+ hour work week plus 12 course hours of school is starting to get to me. Top it off with a mild depression and I’m passing out at my desk.
Last semester even though I was tired I still wasn’t falling asleep at work, so I’m chalking this up to the combo of work, school, and depression. I’d take my Adderall around 3:00 (when I start to pass out) but then it wouldn’t last me until 10:30 and I wouldn’t be able to pay attention in class or pay attention to drive home.
I still find myself feeling like a bad wife and mother. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone all the time. I’ve gotten a lot better at doing things on my own lately, but I still can’t help but feel that all I do is inconvenience my loved ones. I feel like one day my son will say I didn’t love him or something. Just the depression talking, but I feel like everyone dislikes me.
On the flip side, I’ve been crazy horny lately. TMI, I know, but I felt it was worth mentioning because never have sex and depression gone hand in hand for me. Is this what a mixed episode feels like? I haven’t had those since I was a kid and used to rapid cycle so much that it was one constant mixed episode. I forget what it feels like to have both sides of my personality in my brain at once.
I don’t really think it’s a mixed episode though because in the last month my spending has gone down a good bit. After my last manic episode I couldn’t quite get the spending part under control. It was like my brain was saying “you spent all that money and didn’t go bankrupt so you didn’t really finish the job.” I self sabotage too much. My brain wants me to be dead broke and I don’t know why. I’ve worked for years savings my money and within a few months of overspending almost all of it is gone. Granted, I could have blown it all in a day or two plus some. Not like that hasn’t been done before…but still, I was really proud of saving all that money. All just to blow it. So now I’m on a cash and debit only budget and I keep all my emergency credit cards at home so I can’t take an “emergency” lunch break to the mall or Ebay and drop a few hundred dollars in thirty minutes.
Migraines are steady getting worse. My doctor finally called in my Topamax so hopefully in a week or so they’ll stop.
Is anything in life good? My son. I’m happy I have him in my life. Despite my husband’s inability to stay out of trouble online, I love him. Like my therapist says…even though we make mistakes we are still lovable. I don’t feel very lovable. At her suggestion, I tell myself I am a few times a day. Not working yet. Some of my affirmations that I keep on my iPhone app do help, but the lovable one hasn’t sunk in just yet. Maybe soon.