Tag Archives: xanex

Health Insurance, School, and Money

Our new healthcare plan rolled out and I’m totally screwed.  Both of my doctors will now be out of network.  The deductible for out of network providers is $2500 per person $5000 for the family.  Once I hit that number, they only cover 60% of each visit.  My therapist charges about $170 for an hour so that’s $340 a month right there before the deductible gets met.  Then I have my med doctor and I haven’t asked her what she charges yet.

Then there’s my medication.  Abilify will still run me a whopping $150 a month.  Most of my medications will now classify as maintenance medication and will be 100% covered so that saves me about $25 a month.  My Adderall isn’t covered so that’s $10.  My Xanex isn’t covered so that’s another $10.

On top of my crazy, there’s my migraines.  My shots cost $200.  My pills cost $150.  My doctor for that is in network at least and will be covered at 80% after meeting at $1500 deductible for each individual or $3000 for family.

My rough estimates put us at somewhere between $12,000-$16,000 next year in health care costs between the actual cost of the insurance, doctor visits, medication, and a few potential ER visits that happen every year.  If anything major happens that number will skyrocket.

I honestly dont’t know how we can afford over $1000/m in healthcare.  That’s ridiculous.  How can they get away with charging people that?!  If I don’t take my meds I can’t function.  If I don’t go to the doctor I can function, but not as well.  It’s imperative that I stay on track but damn if they don’t try to make it impossible.

I found a clause that’s called “transition of care” that says if you have a major medical condition and your provider will no longer be in network that they could offer in network benefits for a certain timeframe due to the change over.  I spent THREE hours on the phone with the insurance company and my HR department in regards to this.  The insurance company was fairly helpful but said they would not have full details until next month.  They said to contact my HR department since my benefits enrollment was now to see what could be done.

I called HR who said they didn’t know what I was talking about and to find another doctor.  My hatred for my HR never ceases.  I had to walk them through their own website to show them the clause.  They got their supervisor who proceeded to also say to get another doctor and was I sure I double checked both healthcare options to make sure they weren’t in network on one of them.  I got quite pissy and read them the page word for word and gave them the checklist of why exactly I qualified and asked them why they weren’t willing to provide benefits in accordance with their policy.  They said they’d have to research it and get back to me.  *SIGH*

In light of the crazy increase in my healthcare alongside with my husband’s company’s lack of work and sending him home early – we are officially broke and likely will continue to be so for some time to come.  Registration for spring semester is coming up and I have a big old $0 available for tuition.  I can’t get a loan from anyone and my mom has officially decided she will neither sign nor give me funds.  So at this point, going to school next semester is a no go.

I don’t much care for wasting time and energy.  Both are resources that are limited and precious to me.  Giving them up causes me stress and exhaustion.  The way I figure, if I can’t go to school, I might as well drop this semester as well.  Why bother spending all the time if it doesn’t amount to anything?  I’m stressed as hell lately, depressed, overwhelmed, just…ugh.

Mom says she is willing to pay for me to go back not this coming semester but the next if I take one or two classes at a time as the cost will be lower and then take breaks when money is low.  So she says I should finish this semester because then that’s four less classes I’ll need to take should I be able to go back.

At this point though I’m so tired and exhausted I’m just done with it.  If I go back I’ll just take the classes again.  I only started in late August so it was only a waste of about two months.  Classes don’t end until end of December and I don’t think I can do three more months of this right now.  I need some time to collect myself.  Work and health insurance has me done in.

Now my mom is pissed with me as usual because she thinks I should at least take two classes and only drop two.  I have an all or nothing attitude (which she hates).  I’m either gonna finish all of them or just drop until I can afford to go back.  She keeps yelling at me and saying I don’t listen to reason and that I’ve wasted money etc.  She always makes me feel like shit.  I know she doesn’t intend to, but that’s what she does.

I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to piss her off but I don’t want to finish the semester either.  I tried to get an appointment with my therapist today but she was on vacation.  I discovered today that I am unable to make big decisions without my therapist to tell me what to do.  Well, walk me through to coming to a decision.  On my own I just make mushy decisions that I can’t quite commit to.

I’ve already pretty much screwed myself if I decide to stay in for the semester because I had a math test tonight and decided to say screw it and didn’t take it.  So yeah.  I’m just done with it all.

Just for good measure once more – screw shitty health insurance for putting me in this predicament.


Migraines, Work, and Medication

I’ve been getting migraines every day for two weeks now.  My insurance started requiring 90 day supplies of “maintenance” medication, so my Topamax prescription was denied as it was a 30 day supply.  As such, I have gone a month without it because my migraine doctor is about 45 minutes out of the way and frankly I’ve been too lazy to call and ask her to call in a refill.  Too lazy to pick up the phone, even though I’m on the phone all day at work.  I have no valid explanation for this.  But after two weeks of insane headaches that are causing me to take random naps on my desk to avoid the pain, I finally called her yesterday and asked that they call in a 90 day refill for me.  Was it at the pharmacy today?  Nope.  Took some Treximet and another nap on my desk.  How productive.

I’ve been at my current location for work six months now.  I’ve yet to tell any of the people that I now work with about my illness.  Since things have mostly been under control, I just come off as kinda quirky.  I guess I’m okay with that.  I have an office to myself, so there isn’t ever an issue of anyone touching stuff on my desk and sending me into a rage of fury because my pen isn’t where I left it.  Plus if I’m feeling unmotivated no one is standing over my shoulder asking why I’m not working every second that I’m there.  I get some down time and breaks, which has been super helpful.  Not every day, but most days.  On days I’m up and ready to work my ass off, I’m left alone to work like mad.  What’s really great is that since no one can see into my office unless they go really out of their way, the constant switches between super productive and totally useless go unnoticed.

Since I’m so secluded at work, talking about my bipolar hasn’t really been enough of an issue for anyone for me to have to bring it up.  The only time that I get concerned is when I have to go to my doctor (which is usually 2-3 times a month) and people ask me if everything is okay and what I’m going for.  Usually I just say I have a myriad of medical issues that need tending to and mention my migraines and then leave them to wonder what else might be wrong with me.  Is it bad I’d rather them think I have some life threatening illness rather than know I’m crazy?  Then they pity me instead of back away slowly and run for the door.

Part of me doesn’t like not talking about it though.  It makes me feel like I’m lying to people, which I hate doing.  My manager said I shouldn’t mention anything unless there’s no other alternative though, so I guess I’m gonna keep on with what I’m doing it.  The times I’ve had to leave over the crazy I’ve just blamed it on a migraine and everyone mostly seems okay with it.  I just have to avoid crying or acting mental long enough to get out the door (so about five minutes).  Usually manageable.

I gotta say, medication that works is truly a blessing.  Every medication I’ve ever taken has caused so many side effects that my head spins, but my current cocktail seems to be working with no side effects at all.  My mood is mostly stable (as stable as it’ll get at least) and I’m not so tired that I can’t wake up until noon or feel drugged up all day.  Xanex days aside, of course.  On a high anxiety day if I have to pop a Xanex I’m out of it for half the day.  Most of my coworkers know I have anxiety though, so I can write that one off as well.

Overall, I’m still mildly depressed but working through it.  I’m surprised at how little I wallow in sadness.  Usually it’s all consuming, but now I just feel more sleepy than usual and have “down” moments through the day where I just sit and do nothing for a while.  Of course, doing nothing is really bad for depression, but sometimes I just can’t get the motivation to do anything else.  It’s usually not for long periods of time so I’m giving myself a pass.  My therapist said I should time these moments and give myself one to two minutes of self pity and then force myself to move on.  I haven’t really tried this.  Don’t know why.  Maybe because I don’t like to be forced to do stuff if I’m not in the mood.  I feel like if I did this I’d be forcing myself to work when I don’t feel like it and the quality of work would be awful and thus not worth doing.  My perfectionist personality rearing it’s head.

We’ll see how this all plays out, but for now I’m hopeful that this will be a short lived and mild depression.

Geodon=legal coke??

I’m now convinced Geodon is the prescription version of cocaine.  I’ve never actually done that aside from traces in my otherwise lovely pills from yesteryear, but when they had them in it I felt exactly like I did on Geodon.  The withdrawal has been similar as well.  I still can’t sleep (taking Ambien, Xanex, and Melatonin).  I’m now sick (drugs that function like that seem to lower your immune system).  I’d hate to see what happened if I took this pill for a year and came off of it.  I think more testing was needed before big pharma released this one.  For all that, someone just write me a script for MDMA and let’s call it a day.  Less side effects, happier me.

I don’t know what to make of Abilify.  It’s not making me sleepy (plus), my head is still mostly quiet (plus) but I seem to be spending money again (not so much a plus).  I also feel like I’ve gotten very boring and I can’t think of things to talk about which isn’t so great for my job.  Watching my weight closely because if I gain more than 5 pounds this pill can go to hell and we’ll try again.

Finally up to 100mg of Lamictal.  Only seemed to take a year to do.  Debating going to the doctor tomorrow to up it to 200mg and maybe up the Abilify to kill off the last of the crazy.

Side note, I hate news.  I have to keep up with these things because of my job, but before that I had stopped paying attention because news literally stresses me out so bad my heart races.  Nation deficit?  War?  Murder?  Economic recession?  Panic.  These are things therapists say are out of my realm of control and thus I should not freak out over them.  Nothing I can do, move along.  All well and good in theory, but all that bad stuff makes me start to think the world might really end in 2012 or something because everything seems so awful.

Because I couldn’t learn to stop worrying, I just stopped paying attention.  Ignorance is bliss after all.  Alas, now I must keep up to date.  More than ever, I’m starting to buy the BS doomsday folk spout off.  If the world does end, I’m blaming the media.  Perhaps if they didn’t make everyone feel like the world was ending every day, things would be better.  I know my clients and I would sleep better at night.  No clue if that idea has any merit, but it’s my opinion and I get to have it.

I also used to be big into politics and now I refuse to vote for just about anything.  Generally I disagree with everyone and I can’t bring myself to vote for someone who has stupid ideas.  I’m too small government for either party.  Democrats spend too much on stupid things and Republicans spend less and say “small government” but then turn around and want to say who you can marry and if you have to have babies.  That’s still big government in my eyes.  So none of you asses get my vote.  I’d go vote Libertarian, but why wait in line for an hour to vote for someone with no shot of winning?  If there was a shot, I’d wait however long I needed to.  But there’s not and I’m lazy.  Plus I don’t think I should be forced to pick between two shit choices.  Given crap choice A and crap choice B, I choose not to pick.

My mom says this means I don’t get to bitch about politics anymore.  Mostly I don’t (again – stresses me out), but if someone does something stupid, I get to complain regardless of if I voted or not.  So there.

Ending the rant.  News overkill does that to me.  I need to go back to CNN Money instead of constant news stream on my radio all day.

Med changes and almost buying a car…it’s been a busy day

Today my plan was for someone to come fix my washing machine, hope to hear back from my doctor, and maybe shop with my mom.  Things did not go according to this plan.

I woke up exhausted, but it only lasted about thirty minutes and I’ve been hypomanic/manic ever since.  The washer people called and said they would be out between 12-2.  Two minutes later my doctor calls and says she can get me in at 12 to change meds.  I call my mom, who comes over with my step-dad and they watch my son and tend the the washer issues so I can go to the doctor.

I think I sped the whole way there at least 20 miles over the speed limit.  My son wasn’t in the car to give me sensibility.  So I drove as fast because I felt fast.  I turned the music up.  I was 21 again.  It was kinda nice.

My doctor made a few changes.  Adderall now at 10mg XR instead of 20mg (was taking some of my old 15mg until I ran out).  Taking 2mg Risperdal tonight (down from 4) then off completely.  Starting 80mg Geodon (no generic and expensive) tonight and possibly up to 120mg next week.  Staying put on Lamictal and Xanex for now so as not to change too many things around.  She says the Geodon should work faster than an Abilify or Zyprexa but with fewer side effects, so I guess I’m on board with this.  Fast is what I need and side effects are what I don’t.  She also said my old pediatric doctor said hi and did of course remember both me and my batshit crazy dad.  She had to go ask him about my records because they didn’t exist.  After my dad got my stuff, apparently he took it all out of the computer and kept everything handwritten and secret.  I kinda want to hug him.  No, I really want to hug him.  That’s above and beyond and I’m beyond appreciative, even though my dad would have no way to get them anymore.

I stopped at the mall on the way home (stupid, I know).  I spent money.  Surprise, surprise.  Felt like I was in there for hours and it was more like 15 minutes.  I sure can spend money fast.  $250 later in nail polish and hair products and I’m keyed up and about to lose it for some reason.  My heart is racing and my thoughts are so fast I can’t even keep up.  I speed even faster home.

On the way, my car breaks.  My brand new (2009) car.  For the fourth time since I bought it NEW.  The RPMs are revving and the car is going nowhere.  Fumes are coming out.  I’m furious.  I get home and throw things and yell and generally throw a fit.  I decide, screw this car.  I’m getting another one.

I tell my mom and step-dad to take me to the dealership because I want to yell at them and then look at new cars on the lot across the way.  They show me a pretty silver car that’s a 2006 and is the type I want.  Silver is my favorite color.  Body looks good.  Show me where to sign.  I wasn’t even going to test drive it.  I was just going to buy it.  My logic literally went “this car is unreliable, I’m sick of it, I’ll buy this older car because it’s a brand I trust in a shiny color and things will work out.”  This is something I’d expect my husband to do, not me.  I’m not impulsive.  I don’t make big decisions quickly.  Yet there I stood, ready to pull out my pen so long as they’d give me a good trade in value and I could be done with my stupid car.  Even the salesman was talking me out of it.  Generally sales people who are trying to sell you on not buying are giving good advice as a rule of thumb.  I’m glad he and my family were there, because if they weren’t I’d have a new car.

Now, is getting a new car a bad idea?  No.  I’ll still probably do it.  I need something that won’t get me killed on the interstate.  Is making the decision in a fit of manic rage smart?  Nope.  But I was gonna do it.  No doubt in my mind that if others weren’t logical around me, I’d have done something really, really stupid today.  My husband said “why trade your 2009 for a 2006?”  Well, because they have the same value and the 2006 is a better brand.  But when he said that, my brain said “ok, just go in debt and get a 2011 then.”  That’s where my brain was.  Willing to go 10K in debt because I was annoyed with my car.

These meds better work as fast as promised, because my impulse control is dying more and more each day that I’m not better.  I’m losing the rational, logical part of my brain I cling to so much that keeps me from complete insanity.

Here’s hoping I don’t have a new car tomorrow.  I would like the car, but I’d like to make the decision in a normal state.

Side note:  I’m sure this medicine will, in fact, work.  There’s no generic and I paid $65 for a 15 day supply.  So $130 for a month is what this med will run me if it’s permanent.  With my luck, this will be the best medication ever and my pay will all be going to med costs.  That’s almost $200 a month just to see my doctor one time a month and get that one pill.  Not including Lamictal, Adderall, Xanex, and any other med that gets thrown in down the line.  No wonder health insurance companies hate bipolar people.  We’re costly.  That’s more than I budgeted in my HSA for the year, so we’ll end up with crazy medical costs in Oct/Nov/Dec 2011 I’m sure.  Hopefully the price is high because I haven’t hit a deductible yet.  I know that happened with my Wellbutrin last year.  January it was randomly $60 and then back down to $10.  Also my bottle for Geodon says “take 2 capsules by mouth every evening for manic bipolar disorder.”  Now even my pill bottles remind me I’m nuts.  How depressing.  I need no reminder, pill bottle.

Xanex is not a mood stabilizer & why a completed to do list spells bad things

Not one, but two doctors told me I should take my Xanex to slow down my hypomania. Both of these doctors were wrong. It is a sugar pill to mania. It’s a miracle for my anxiety issues. There are days I wouldn’t have gotten through without it because of that. But for hypomania/mania, I might as well take Advil or something. Advil might be better, because it might not make things worse, and I’m starting to wonder if the Xanex might.

According to my app, at 11am, I was sleepy but light hypomanic. By 12pm, I was exhausted. At 1pm, my son would not nap, I lost it completely, called my mom in for backup, and generally freaked out for thirty minutes. At 1:30pm, I took a Xanex. My mom stayed from 2:30-4:00-ish and the whole time I talked a mile a minute and never got to take the nap I wanted so badly. The napped I lost my mind over not getting because my son wouldn’t take his. My mom told me she could only understand half of what I was saying because of how fast I was talking and had to tell me many time to slow down or stop talking altogether. WTH???

Xanex needs to stay in my back pocket for bedtime and anxiety, but in terms of a primary med for bipolar/mania/general crazy, it’s pretty freaking useless. It’s either not doing anything or making me worse. I’m kinda betting “doing nothing.”

I feel like I am exactly where I would be without the meds minus hallucinations. So yay to my antipsychotic arch nemesis Risperdal for that I guess. But otherwise, I’m still all messed up.

My husband was happy cause I cleaned. He still does’t get how a clean house can ever be a bad thing, even though it almost always is for me. I tried to explain how I felt, but I was probably talking to fast for him to even comprehend. I try to explain sometimes, but it feels like wasted air a lot.

He said he could understand some of it, because he does have streaks of hypomania in his everyday personality. He spends a lot, he’s reckless, he usually has a lot of energy. But thoughts so fast you can’t keep up, so fast it makes your head hurt…that’s a foreign concept. Grandiose schemes and plans that I fight not to start because when I ultimately never finish it’s just one more thing to hate myself for on the down swing, that idea got a side head tilt he was so confused. I said “I have all these great ideas! But I can’t do them, because I know it’ll be bad if I do later.” He said “just do them.” I said “I won’t finish them. The ideas are big and expensive and time consuming. I won’t be able to follow them through like my head tries to tell me I can, and when I don’t do finish them, I’ll feel like a failure.”

I fight these ideas every day, because my head is a good sales person and wants me to think I CAN do them. When manic, all things are possible. But I’m realistic and know (or at least hope…) that mania is not forever and “sad I never started” depression is better than “I can’t ever do anything” depression. My head asks “what if you dismiss a good idea as a manic one and miss it?” I don’t have an answer. This is how some tasks get started anyhow. Some of them just get sold better to the bit of my brain I can control. At a level 10 mania, there’s not a lot of the part left, so I hold on to the bits I can control pretty tight so long as I have them.

Rational brain says Big Ideas are all Bad Ideas in current state, even if perhaps some of them aren’t. But “quest for perfect skin!” managed to sell it’s way through somehow. Maybe it didn’t seem big enough. I think I’m up to $400 in skincare in two weeks. I don’t know how that number didn’t fall into “Big Idea.” Generally anything over $100 I classify as “Big” in manic states, because above $100 and five minutes later it’s $1000. That’s not including lots of other dumb ass things I’ve bought. I hate my spending issues when manic. They cause depression, too, when I have to try to fix them all later. Red on my budget software makes me sad, but apparently not sad enough to kick me into depression.

Not that depression would be better, but I’m nearing three or four months of this manic nonsense and I just can’t deal.

I think I posted ramblings last night, though I only vaguely remember doing so and haven’t gone back to read it because it’s probably scary to look at. At least it is if you’re the person that wrote it and doesn’t recall much of it.

These meds better work, because this is the longest spell of “up” I’ve had in a long time, and usually the ups are shorter than the downs. The down on this one is gonna be bad if the meds don’t work. Bad, bad, bad.

Hypomania can be fun. For a day or maybe a week. When it’s “light day” hypomania and I’m not creating problems. After that, it’s pretty awful. Self – read this next time you’re depressed and wishing for mania. It sucks on this end, too, you just forget.

Hope the doctor calls me Monday. I need a Xanex for bipolar. Something that does what Xanex does for panic attacks, but for mania. That’s what I said at my last appointment. I was told Xanex should do it. Well, it’s not. So let’s try again. Bring on the Seroquel or something. Inject me with Abilify. Just make this nonsense stop. The only thing keeping me from classifying myself “hospital level manic” is lack of hallucinations.

I have some grip left on reality, but it’s not a lot. I’m fighting for that little bit every second of every day, even if it doesn’t look like it. If you see me sitting, reading a book at work, inside my mind I’m at war. It’s a war I fight every day, but right now I’m in the heat of battle and I’m losing ground. Me versus bipolar. Every day of my life. Until the day I die. A war I can never really “win.”

This is an awful way to live. Fighting ideas like they’re demons. For most people, a Big Idea is a good thing. A new task, a new hobby, something to accomplish. For me, it’s just another thing to be depressed about later and spend money on now. For most people, a complete to do list, a clean house, and a list of extra things accomplished is a productive day. For me, it’s symptoms of a bigger problem.

It’s funny how if I sniffle, everyone asks if I’m depressed and have I been taking my meds, but when extra stuff gets done no one sees a problem until it’s full swing mania. I get a cold and people worry about depression because they hear me blow my nose and think I’ve been crying. A clean house at midnight and no one asks questions. Mild depression has a negative impact on others and they certainly don’t want the risk of major depression. Mild hypomania makes everyone else’s life easier and they can just cross their fingers and hope it doesn’t escalate and negatively impact them. It’s selfish, but I can see why they’d do it. I don’t get much accomplished outside work hours anytime other than hypomanic or greater. People end up having to pick up household slack for me a lot. I’ll give them the happiness over my cleaning and organizing.

Other than losing it this afternoon, my son and I had a great morning. We played with just about every toy in the house. I wore him out for once. He was giggling and happy and super lovey-dovey all day. I called my mom as soon as I got irritable with him because he didn’t deserve it and I didn’t want to yell at him. It’s not his fault I have issues and I don’t want him to pay for them. Once I knew she was on her way, I could bite my tongue easier on the things he was doing that annoyed me. I hate feeling annoyed by him. It gives me a major case of mommy guilt. It’s not like he can understand “mommy is having a moment, go play in your room for a while.” If he wants to interact, he wants to interact. I tried that, by the way. He went in his room and when he saw I wasn’t following he stopped and held his hand out and said “room” in a sweet voice. How do you say no to that? You can’t. So I didn’t. But we did sit quietly until my mom got there to lessen noises and such that might set me off. I don’t like to fuss at him, let alone raise my voice. Irritable me raises my voice a lot. Thus, backup called the first time I yelled.

Hopefully tomorrow will go a little smoother and then hopefully the doctor will call Monday and someone will give me something that will work quickly. Quickly being the key phrase. I was gonna try to do something with a friend of mine tomorrow, but I’m thinking maybe not now. I dunno. I’m beyond broke and a little on the nutty side to be socializing. Maybe going out would do me some good though. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I wake up. If I can get me and my son dressed and ready in time, perhaps I’ll go. It won’t be the biggest expense I’ve had in the last week and it will be something for him to enjoy and thus a truly reasonable expense.

EDIT: Read last night’s post. Reads much like I remember feeling, which is to say all over the place and generally crazy.

Constant Vigilance?

Today’s episode should be called “Run, Kira, Run” like that 90’s German movie I never saw but still kinda want to, if not only because Vh1 talked about it on some show.

Anyway, awoke groggy, as per medication dictates, to get ready for the follow up appointment with the “new” doctor at the hospital which I took to mean I was going to continue to get nowhere, but amazingly enough, I’m mostly hypomanic and not manic now and I’ll take the improvement where I can get it even if it comes in terms of groggy ass Rispedal and overkill Xanex.

Mom and step dad brought me to the doctor, I yelled a few times about probably dumb things, day was progressing normally.  But something kinda amazing happened.  Thew “new” doctor was “new” because she left the mental hospital to work outpatient.  Translate:  I am not the craziest person she’s talked to this week.  Probably not close to the craziest person she’s talked to her whole life.  She might not be in over her head.  This might be a hidden win.  I’m holding off a cake and balloons just yet because good things rarely just happen without a lot of work, especially for me, but I think just maybe, some luck may have come upon me.  She actually said “I like the difficult cases.”  Imagine me doing a spastic happy dance inside my head sitting in her chair, cause that’s what happened.  Most doctors seem to hate the difficult ones.  Ugh, that pill still didn’t work.  Ugh, she’s complaining about side effects again.  Ugh, why can’t she just be depressed and not bipolar?  Yes, I’m sure they think these things.

We decided to give the Lamictal I’ve quit three times and can’t remember why a go again.  My best guesses are that either it didn’t work when I tried it before, or I tried it before in non-med compliant states, in which case even if it worked I wasn’t having any of it.  I can’t remember awful side effects, and usually I remember the side effects that are so terrible that if someone mentions said med I scream “NO” before they can get it out.  Lithium being my new favorite to that list.  So I guess in a month I’ll figure out why I never could stay on Lamictal.  Maybe cause it’s such a damn pain (see rest of post to come).  Upped Risperdal (ugghhh) to 4mg for time being since hypomania continues to manage to breakthrough and keeping steady on the Xanex.  Going from 75mg of Topamax to 50mg tonight then to zero after a week, since clearly it’s doing nothing but causing side effects.  To meet again in two weeks and revisit.  Full stop on Wellbutrin.  Hold off on Adderall until mood stabilizes.

Things looked good, meds were in full swing, nap was needed.  Drove home (well, was driven)…which is about 45 minutes away.  Dropped off meds.  Was told it would be an hour.  Went to eat.  Nearly fell asleep in food.  Went to get pills.  Was told Lamictal was not available  in starter kit until Monday.  This, of course, would have been better to know an hour ago, but too sedated too yell longer than about a minute over it.  Lucky them.  Went to another pharmacy.  Same thing.  Another pharmacy, same thing.  Started driving around the city.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Step dad drove while I called.  Same thing.  Same thing.  Same.  Freaking.  Thing.

This went on for about an hour.  I kid you not.  An hour.  I finally found ONE pharmacy that had it.  Back in the same city as my new doctor.  Forty-five minutes away.  My step dad had to get to work, so I got dropped off at the pharmacy to await the prescription and for my mom to finish with my son’s doctor’s appointment (yep, too mentally unstable to bring my son to the doctor – don’t I feel like mom of the year?).  Fifteen minutes or so after drop off, they call me over and say the doctor must have clicked wrong on the screen because it said the Lamical “dissolve” “Orange” starter kit, which does not exist.  She clicked “Lamictal starter kit” and wrote “Orange” and because that hospital is getting new systems no one there has learned how to work it yet and the doctors keep clicking wrong things.  This is what the pharmacist tells me, not what I’m guessing.  Apparently, it’s happened to more than just me.  Which makes me feel better about my doctor, but not better that now they are saying that the doctor has about thirty minutes to call them back to give them the okay to fill the regular orange starter kit or I’m stuck with nothing until Monday.  I really did not think this was gonna happen, but my doctor actually called right back as soon as she was finished with her client.  Wow.  I’m beyond impressed.  I’m sure this has a lot to do with her being new and having more free time than doctors with three pages of messages, but whatever, she came through for me and I’m beyond thrilled.

So my day was supposed to be doctor, nap, study.  Instead, it was doctor…rat race.  But I did get to see my son today and he did not run screaming.  Good on two counts.  Mostly, well, that my son isn’t running away from me, but also because it must mean my aura or whatever it is that people can sense feels less crazy.  So if he thinks I’m getting better, that’s more important of an opinion than any doctor.  While I was waiting for my husband to come pick me up, I got to sit and play with him for a while.  I missed his sweet smile and laugh so much.  If I could have just held him in my arms and hugged him and breathed in his smell the whole time I would have.  Alas, those days are long gone.  Two year olds are not so much on snuggle time unless they’re sick.  But we played, and he smiled and laughed, and for a minute, I forgot my problems.  It’s amazing, how no matter how bad things can be, a smile from him can make it all stop.  Sometimes, I like to think I can do the same for him.  When he wakes up from a bad dream or hurts himself, that a kiss and smile from mommy seem to make the tears stop and make his smile come back.  That our smiles can cause each other.  I wish all problems were as simple as a bad day at work or a hurt finger.  I know they aren’t for me, and I know they won’t always be for him either.  But today at least, my problems were small enough that he melted them away for the time I was with him.

I hope the new meds work quickly.  I do feel much better.  Still hypomanic, without question, but no longer manic.  Plans for now are for my son to stay with my mom for the weekend since my husband is working through the weekend and my mood shifts by the hour (meds make me sleepy…then hypomanic…then sleepy….then hypomanic…not so much moods as much as if my brain or the meds are winning).  I have my Big Test on Monday, which is at an hour in the morning that seems almost cruel given the amount of sedatives I’m taking.  But after Monday, I’m hoping to pick my little man up and bring him back home hopefully to a more stable mommy who can play with him when he comes home, not run into the room to take sedatives and/or clean obsessively.

Tomorrow’s plan:  FREAKING STUDY!

Side note:  I see people are viewing this, which I don’t know how…because I don’t really know how you go about finding blogs and such.  But if you’re reading, feel free to comment.  I’m really not as scary as I might come across.  Unless you have something spiteful to say, in which case, yeah, I’ll probably be a bitch…well, this mood cycle anyway.  Stay tuned.  Isn’t bipolar fun??

Edit for fun…Random thing accomplished when the hypomania beat the sedatives last night:  makeup totally reorganized, bathroom closet cleaned out and reorganized, shoes thrown away (only ever done when hypomanic, otherwise will hoard shoes until literally glued together and still cling to them) and remaining shoes reorganized.  Tried to study, but Topamax was making the lines wiggly last night and I couldn’t read.  Majored in English…couldn’t read.  Sad moment.  Accomplished today because it should have been done, like, 20 year ago, started log of meds taken, dosages, dates, side effects, and effects on mood so I can no longer have Lamictal like meds that I cannot remember why I refuse to take.  Writing is a mess, because lines are still wiggly and I can’t feel my fingers.  I kinda think Topamax sucks.  Okay, I’m really done now.  (I wish my brain was done when I said that on here…okay now I’m done.)